This weekend a "Super" "Bowl" of some description was played in, for and/or eaten out of by innumerable Americans - to the delight of British insomniacs perusing twitter without the foggiest idea of what was going on.
To commemorate this annual festival of Americana and reward those hardcoriest of fans who brave time difference and diametrically opposed commentary styles to pledge allegiance to sports on both sides of the pond, our Gameweek 25 preview will, like Tony Blair and British popular culture before it, attempt to metaphorically fellate as many Americanisms as we can get our gobs around.
Irony is the only viable escape route for Brits not conversant with US sporting customs
MVP
Rob 'in-form' Van Persie (13.6) -- Fulham
This guy is a franchise player all-round. Totally clutch and maker of 15 fantasy points in his last two games, RVP (shorthand for Real Valuable Player) has a sky-high ceiling and a rocket-ship where his cleat should be. Now Manchester has traded for J-Mat, and Wayne-Rod is back from his injury timeout, they'll be making a ton of goals. With roster depth like they have is there anything they can't do? Well, admittedly winning games 'ain't really their thing at the moment but once they get into the post-season, this elite squad will come into its own.
FUN FACT: Of RVP's 41 goal attempts this season, 36 have been inside the PK box.
Wildcard of the Week
Wilfried Bony (7.4) -- Cardiff (H)
When read slowly his name may sound like some dude called Will tried to cook up an exotic homoerotic treat but this man is serious about playing soccer. He scored once against Tottingham and twice against Manchester Blue. Furthermore, Cardiff of Wales are so bad they look like they're tanking for next year's draft picks. If you're worried about a team without an offensive coach or funny sounding names 'ain't your deal, consider Ricki Lambert (7.0) - hot off a goal and two set-ups (15 pts total) versus Full Ham, he could clinch more scores when he takes on a Stoke side whose deefence has given up a goal every game since 10/14 (14th December).
Sleeper of the Week
Vito Mannone (4.4) -- Hull (H)
In case you hadn't noticed, there are oftentimes some pretty badass American goalies. Tim 'shit bugger fuck wank' Howard, Brad Friedel and Kasey Keller must have played a lot of "catch" growing up and turned out prettaay prettaay prettaay good.
Larry's 'keeping technique left something to be desired
The moral of the story is: The US knows its sleeper keepers. So listen up while I drop the mic and shove some democracy wisdom down your throat. Vito Mannone has back to back shut-outs. His upcoming adversaries, Hull, have only kicked 1 goals in their last 5 matches. That is pussy. Get this guy on your roster and thank me later. Peace out.
1st Round Draft Pick
Alex Oxlade-Chaimberlain (6.7) -- @Looperville
The West Bromwich Albion Striped Blue Birds faced up against The Arsenal Cannons in a game where a rookie, nicknamed "The Ox" by sportscasters, had a bona fide breakout performance. The Ox has all the qualities needed in a great soccer star - he's played soccer recently, scored two goals recently and I've heard of him... recently. The Cannons have run out of bye weeks, however and they have playoffs versus Liverpool Reds and Manchester Reds (there are two Reds?) next up so there's bound to be some tricky soccer in there somewhere. Didn't Mr Posh Spice play for Manchester one time before he made his name in LA Galaxy and kid's toys? Damn, they must be good. And this dude's way expensive for a guy in the 2nd string. Have I just talked myself out of a picking this guy? Nah - he'll come good next season. Y'all do dynasty leagues, right?
Head to Head - Captain 'Murrrica
Luis Suarez (13.4) -- Arsenal (H) V.S. Wayne Rooney (11.3) -- Fulham (H)
Nothing has better evidenced how well capitalism works recently than how badly every guy wishes they could emulate Leo Di Caprio in Wolf of Wall Street. In the spirit of hot-blooded competition, let's pit two of the top marksmen in the league against each other and see whom you should choose as your captain. Suarez pretty much wipes the field with Rooney in the goals department - he gets a goal every 77.7 minutes, compared to Rooney's 184.4. In fact, his chance conversion, minutes per attempt and chance creation stats are all better, despite Rooney being clearly ahead in distribution (865 passes to Suarez's 732 in fewer games). Rooney is cheaper and has Fulham, who were embarrassingly eliminated from the FAR Cup (what could that possibly mean or do?) this week by Sheffield Together but Suarez's success is no mirage and is the more likely to bag you hella points this week.
Vid tenuously related to topic title, which is itself unrelated:
Keep On Truckin'
Kevin Nolan (6.5) -- @Aston Villa
Until a few months ago when he started seeing red regularly, Nolan had more shots from inside the PK box than any player in the EPL. He also had the lowest % of shots on target (there's no American way of saying that). Two scores against Swansea isn't enough to get us hard - they were both part of the Route (pronounced "Rowt") 1 gameplan to the now suspended Andy Carroll - and much like Chuck Norris, Nolan is a maverick loose cannon who could roundhouse kick an official to the face on any given Sunday (he hates Sundays).
OUTRAGEOUS PREDICTION OF THE WEEK
This weekend's EPL will be... wait for it... drum roll please... more entertaining than the Super Bowl. Normally a hollywood-esque contest that proves truth is stranger than fiction, this year's boreathon saw favorites Denver crushed so convincingly by Seattle that you couldn't even hear Peyton Manning's pathetic whimper as the Legion of BOOM (Seahawks' monster D) crushed him and his fellow Broncos into nothing but a sports history statistic. The highlight was Hall of Famer Joe Nameth's inept failure to time a simple coin toss - and what makes fails funnier? That's right - epic props. Joey had that covered in spades by rocking up in some mean threads. You've still got it, man.
Heads I win, tails you snooze
And Now For a Word From Our Sponsor...
Any Americans reading this should know that I love the States, their sports and especially their fantasy football. My US passport is a pretty good excuse for my childish apery but just in case you doubted my allegiance, I'm just gonna leave this here:
