Have a look at where you sit in your league. If you aren't top then you're running out of time. Soon you will be Piers Morgan; down and out, making a tit of yourself on the twitter, perhaps even writing a fantasy football blog as your team languishes in the middle of the table, behind some teams which clearly haven't been changed for weeks.
Spin the Wheel!
What you need is a bit of a gamble. Turn a few points into a lot. You need to be like this guy, turning slow-go points into big-buck points, magic points. I'm talking sick piles of points; lying on your Vegas bed throwing points in the air and dancing as they shower down on you points. Big cowboy hat, turquoise buckle points! I'M TALKING GAM-BER-LING!
Peruse your team. How many of them are playing this week? Eight? Seven? Six? You need to have eleven players on the pitch, and for this you need to spend points!
Speculate to Accumulate
Spend points to make points. Go for more points than you can shake a big diamond-encrusted stick at, or lose them all and go down in glorious flames, your empire crumbling and slipping through your fingers as you fire your machine gun into the air, nose coated in cocaine, ears ringing with the irrepressible BONG of failure! Go big or go home. You gots to believe. You're going to win big my friend. Do you wanna be Piers Morgan or Tony Montana?
What do you mean Eden Hazard only got 4 POINTS AS CAPTAIN?!
Google image search has shown me that Piers Morgan is phenomenally unpopular.
Why?
The plan for this week is to have eleven players on the fantasy field, and three subs without fixtures. Keep those whose value has increased whilst in your team - so you don't lose half their price rise if you have to buy them back. So probably people like Suarez, Sturridge, Gnegneri Yaya Toure III, Coleman, Glen Johnson (red herring!).
If you were smart you would have saved up 2 free transfers for this week. I didn't, but you might have, you twat. Either way, the gamble works thusly: The players you bring in must make you more points than it costs to bring them in or you lose and have a shit team for next week. Is this possible? Well, if you are not playing then you are going to get a big fat zero, so everyone you bring in has to score more than 4 points to make up the -4 cost of the transfer. It's worth remembering that you get 2 points just for showing up - provided you don't do anything Nolan stupid.
Dee-fence, dee-fence, dee-fence!
You gotta have a good de-fense. If it's too soon, then please imagine the picture is of OJ Simpson (who has a big fucking head)
Crystal Palace are playing Southampton. The Pulis resurgence seems to be on the wane, but their games have been tighter than that guy at work who never offers to get the beers in and only ever stays for one. Where are you going? It's your round!
Southampton played well despite losing to Liverpool last week, and they have their first choice back five available. Are we going to gamble on Southampton or Crystal Palace keeping a clean sheet?
"No it's too risky, what with Chamakh and Rickie Lambert on the field"
...IS NOT WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY!
Southampton are probably the better bet, as they are the better team and have Norwich at home next week.
Buy low
Calum Chambers £3.9m
He's started the last three games and played 90 minutes in each, racking up three bonus points at Hull. Get him in. A good alternative to Luke Shaw (£5.0m), who is so good the media seem to think he is going to win England the World Cup. He is not.
Get Boruc back as well in goal.
A clean sheet is worth 4 points, so assuming Southampton keep that clean sheet, you are looking at 6 points for both of them. You can even go full out and throw in Dejan Lovren or Jose Fonte, who have scored goals.
Get 'em all in there!
My other defensive pick is Norwich, as the perennial-Arsene-Wenger-dream-crushing-machine that is rugby's Stoke City come to sunny East Anglia.
This may sound a strange and unpopular choice, but look at Norwich's last four home games:
Norwich 1-0 Tottenham
Norwich 0-0 Man City
Norwich 0-0 Newcastle
Norwich 1-0 Hull
Basically what I'm trying to say is never go and see Norwich play at home, but buy all their defenders, before shipping them out next week. Easy.
Go for Ruddy, Yobo and Olsson if the latter two are going to be fit. You can probably wait until Friday as I don't think these guys are going to sky-rocket in price.
Seriously, it's a big fucking head!
Top attackers. I mean shooters. I mean finishers. I mean killer passers. I mean AHH!
West Brom, Manchester United, Cardiff and Fulham are all boring, terrible teams. I don't know where to start and so I won't.
I will not pass judgement on you
Chelsea v. Tottenham is a big game for a Liverpool fan. Chelsea win and go seven points clear, Tottenham win and go to within three points of fourth (assuming Man City do not lose all three of their games in hand). What the Scousers really want is a high-scoring draw with lots of injuries. What we will get is a low-scoring game followed by a ludicrous press conference wherein Jose deflects the media from the lack of action with an anecdote about eggs, horses, the nineteenth century, Scientology, girl power, cashmere blankets, Chekhov, Tibetan monks*... anything really to detract from their slow march to the title with dull 1-0 victories.
Do More Gambling
Gamble on Frank Lampard (£7.4m), who has played 90 minutes in their last two home games and might settle the game with a penalty or by whipping in a (deflected) free kick.
Do Less Gambling
Do NOT gamble on Andre Schurrle. Willian (7.5) plays in the big games because he is a defensive, tracking beast.
Stop it.
Hazard (11.1) is on fire, but everybody has him.
You could also go for the modestly priced Azpilicueta (5.5m), a reliable Opel Astra of a player, the racist white van man John Terry, or the other man in the van, Branislav Ivanovic who will pop up with a goal and then help you move house.
Whatever you do, make sure you save money for Aguero (12.0) who is back next week!
