All the best things come in pairs - Air Jordans, boobs, pizzas (always order two pizzas). The Crème patisserie filling the sweet shortcrust tart of fantasy football is, mais bien sur, the double (prononcé dooble) gameweek.
Meet the twins - twice
Mastering March Madness
Close all those other tabs. Turn off your phone. Tell your wife/girlfriend/left hand you're gonna be busy working or something for the conceivable future - because this weekend is what wet dreams are made of - fantasy nirvana awaits those who can play this one to perfection.
In addition to all those boring normal matches, here are the bonus fixtures:
25 Mar 19:45
Arsenal
v
Swansea
25 Mar 19:45
Man Utd
v
Man City
25 Mar 19:45
Newcastle
v
Everton
26 Mar 19:45
West Ham
v
Hull City
26 Mar 20:00
Liverpool
v
Sunderland
At the risk of stating the mind-numbingly obvious, all these teams therefore have a double GW. Your goal should be to have a starting XI comprising entirely of players from these teams. If you need to take a points hit, do it. The further behind you are - the more risk you should take. Always chase your losses. People only tell you not to because they want all the profit for themselves*.
Buy Low
Kevin Nolan (7.1) -- Man U (H), Hull (H)
The Hammers are the only double GW side with both matches at home apart from Newcastle and have won three games at Upton Park on the trot. Nolan has more than 10 points five times this season. I can't be bothered to count how many other mids have mustered that but I can assure you it ain't many.
Carroll (7.1) is back and just loves linking up with Kev. Bad news is that Wham still play City, Arsenal and Liverpool so Nolan may not be the best long-term option but he's a decent mid-range banker for GW 31. Everton
I’m lazy but that shouldn’t mean you get fewer golden
nuggets – hit up this link on FPL Hints to get my full take on Everton this week (clue: I recks
they’re going to boss it).
First up they face Swansea, whose defence is holier than Jesus and Swiss cheese combined.
Meet Cheesus
They then play Newcastle, who have more absentees than a North Korean election and less consistency than an octogenarian's erection. So here's my projection:
Lukaku (8.5) will either score or score loads;
Baines (7.4) and Coleman (6.7) will get one clean sheet, two goals and an assist between them;
Mirrallas (7.5) will shoot so many times the opposition get bored and just let one in; and
Barkley (5.1) will play no more than 70 minutes total. That's a bad thing. Long (5.7) and Jelavic (6.7) -- West Brom (H), @West Ham
It's hard to choose between these two but both present fantastic value. Long, at 1m less, is unsurprisingly owned by about half as many managers (1.6% to 3%) but both could score against West Brom and/or West Ham - it's worth remembering Hull are one of the only teams to have scored 6 this campaign, albeit against Fulham.
Side note - does anyone else get sleepy when they hear this guy talk?
Felix Magath - went to Specsavers
Sell High
Spurs Players -- doesn't matter
After crushing defeats to Benefica and Arsenal, Tottenham's season is over. Nothing to play for. Nothing to see here.
Buy Anyway
Liverpool -- @Cardiff, Sunderland (H)
The Reds have scored more than any other team (76) and SAS (Luis C.K and Spaniel Porridge) are already tied for 7th in the list of deadliest premier league strike partnerships of the Premier League era with 42 goals this season. Here's where you might just want to be really boring and have both of them.
Man City -- Fulham (H), @Man U
Pellegrini couldn't have picked two better fixtures to stamp City's name on the Premier League trophy. After trouncing a pathetic Fulham side 27-0, they will gleefully put United in their rightful place - which is somewhere near Southampton.
Expect massive hauls from Silva (9.3), Toure (10.1) and Nasri (8.1).
Dzeko (6.7) is my City value pick of the week, though - Aguero (12.1) has a boo-boo again and Negredo hasn't scored in seven. Edin has sneaked back into fantasy relevance with seven 90 minute spells in nine games and could dominate aerially in the derby with Vidic out.
Anyone's Guess
Man United -- @West Ham, Man City (H)
If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, being forgettable is the most convincing argument that you are rubbish. It says volumes about United this season that, despite watching their (admittedly entertaining) game against Olympiacos and seeing Moyes' rapidly aging mug on every back-page today, they were the last team I considered commenting on this bumper GW.
Rooney (11.4)
Still total quality but plays so deep you'd be forgiven for thinking he's auditioning for the Makelele role. I've got him but I'm not delighted about it. The main issue is price. Also there's a chance that, given he's a chav and all, he could see a pint of bitter or a bingo hall and go missing for a month or two. That's what commoners are into, right?
If you don't get this - or are offended by it - you might just read The Sun
RVP (13.6) -- @West Ham, Man City (H)
Being stretchered off is never a good sign but RVP is only light yellow on the FPL injury thingamyjig so don't do anything rash until you have the low-down. As long as boots fit his feet and he's not declared legally blind between now and Tuesday(a la Harchester United), he'll be suiting up for that Manchester derby - especially after his wondrous triple in the Champions League. Midfielders
No. See every post I've ever done. Defenders
Yeh... still no. Still because of logic.
Pic of the Week
Nostalgia - making crappy old things better every ten years or so
*Just because this isn't funny, does not mean that it is in any way not a joke (apart from technically)
