The cat patrolled downstairs, occasionally threatening to knock over the two large white boards that had been erected to take note of all transactions. Everything had been designed to make the process run smoothly; even a judge’s gavel had been procured for the auctioneer.
Slowly the competitors filtered in. Initial repartee was punctuated by tell-tale signs of nerviness at the impending inaugural occasion. Talk of what the winnings would be spent on was mixed, with hushed discussions of the potential forfeits, all wary of tempting fate.
To begin, something to settle the nerves: the team-naming rite. Each player externalised a droll, devil may care approach, but deep down it was clear how much this mattered. JJ kicked things off with the rakish “Ramires’ Burritto” followed by Lateef with the profound “Fear Boner”. Jake R made an homage with “Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men” (DDDM). Pinkus did one for the kids (read that carefully) with “Hakuna Patata”. Tommy C’s unembellished “Tommy’s Pussies” was food for thought and Jake G and Mo’s insightful “Sporting Lesbians” made up the field.
But this is where the frivolities ceased. Each man knew why he was here. What this really was; a proving ground, a test of mettle, a savage game against fate with the penalty - death. All right, maybe not actual death, but the death of somebody’s footballing integrity for sure and potentially some sort of physical injury.
 |
| Scholars will one day draw comparison between fantasy auctions and The Hunger Games. They will be wrong |
£200m was the budget. The game: To compile a team of fantasy stars for the lowest possible price. No more than 3 players from each team. Go.
Something was needed to break the tension, and it was Fear Boner who charged in flashing the cash early, dropping 8mil on Ricki Lambert. Potentially a shrewd purchase, although to be later eclipsed as he spent heavily; a combined £85.5 million on marquee signings Suarez and RVP. He was involved from the off while others held back and was spending money hand over fist like Wayne Rooney in a brothel (allegedly). Pursuing a tactic to spend big upfront and rely on the star names to perform with a relatively average supporting cast.
At the other end of the tactical spectrum lay JJ. He left it late to bargain hunt, preferring to spend the early bidding soaking in the atmosphere with one wry eyebrow raised like a sceptical contestant on blind date watching Cilla quiz his competition. He hedged on Mata, his bidding hand cocked back until he heard the name read out while others spent lavishly. His reasoning astute, he won the Spanish Maestro’s services with a bid of £24 mil. Willian, the forgotten man, was another potential steal for £6.75mil, after big bidding had taken place on other Chelsea play makers.
 |
| Willian: More in-demand in real life |
Tommy C’s campaign was blighted by controversy involving over-drafting Spurs players. Harsh fines were imposed. Again he took a slightly slower approach, observing the market. His main forays were a £41m mega purchase of Sturridge and nicking in for Ozil at £19.75m. Opting for a young team rife with unknown quantities.
 |
| He may have breached a few little laws but he didn't go down without a fight |
DDDM splashed the majority of its budget on Negredo (£30m), Hazard (£30m) and Yaya Toure (£38m). Baines for £16 and Terry for £17m completed the larger bids while value was also looked for toward the end of the auction when other teams had completed their trading. Gambling on Michu (£6m) late on, he also picked up some steals in Rodriguez (£3m) and Bony (£4m).
Hakuna Patata surprised pundits by picking up forgotten man Kagawa for £3 mil early on but continued strongly. Man in form Adebayscore was chosen for £28m, Rooney went for the princely sum of £31m and David Silva bolstered his midfield for a reasonable £30m.
 |
| Hindsight is 20:20 but this bloke was a decent shout |
Sporting Lesbians, a coalition team, opted for one major signing of Aguero at £30mil, considered something of a gamble factoring in his injury status at the time. Their tactic to spread the wealth with a series of buys around the £15-18 mil mark and fill in the gaps with players of a lower value but not wait until the end of the draft to secure them.
Half way through the night, the bidding faltered somewhat. Intense flurries of activity were interspersed by lulls in the action. Bidding interest revived slightly after a delivery of Thai food had restored flagging energy levels.
 |
| Complex carbs to the rescue |
Overall it had everything a good fantasy sport related night should have, laughs, tantrums (oooh boy there were tantrums), joy, excitement, anger, at times it was even boring. All that is left now is to see how destiny unfolds and which auction strategy proves the wisest.
Stay with us for the next instalment of The Fantasy Auction.
