Throughout the 2014 World Cup, dozens of previously unknown footballers abruptly and indelicately carved their way into the vernacular of armchair pundits across the country.
"Antonio who?" you may have been heard saying. "The only Valencia worth mentioning is Enner."
"Best ‘keeper in the world? Ochoa hands down," someone behind you may have ignorantly spouted, forgetting that managing a clean sheet against the worst Brazil side in history by literally just standing in one place and having the ball pummeled at him says more about his efficacy as a punching bag than his credentials as a world-class goalie.
Nevertheless, such players will invariably blip up on our fantasy radars going into the new season. The former has joined the Hammers for £12m and the latter is out of contract. With Julio Cesar impressing so much for Brazil (not) and Toronto FC (double not) you wouldn't put it past old 'Arry Redschnapps to pick him up, give him some gloves and tell him, without a hint of irony, to just play like he did for Brazil every week.
Here are some of the new ones to watch for the upcoming season.
The Done Deals
Diego Costa (10.5m in FPL) -- Chelsea
If the Diego Costa who casually knocked in 35 league goals last season turns up, as opposed to the wounded, exhausted, effete Spaniard with the touch of a rapist we saw at the World Cup, Chelsea will validate their position as favourites to win the Premier League and their main man will bag you hella points in the process. Priced identically to Rooney and more favourably than Sturridge (11.5m), he could be a tasty option for Chelsea coverage.
Cesc Fábregas (9.0m) -- Chelsea
“Cunny Fannybras”, as he should now be referred to by the Arsenal faithful, scored an average of 167.4 points per season in his five years in North London – that’s six points per 90 minutes.
“How will he fare now he’s in South West London?” is a question not many people should be asking. For 9m, having curled in a 25-yard Mila Kunis (beauty) of a free kick, and considering his name will be inked on the team-sheet before Terry or Cech, he’s an absolute steal.
Nothing is ever certain about Mourinho’s starting lineup but one or two Chelsea midfielders, unlike United’s playmakers, invariably produce every season. Some will still want to punt on Oscar (8.5m) or shell out a bit more for 202-point Hazard (10m) but I for one love the idea of a man who is proven in the Premiership AND has since been a consistent performer for Barcelona and Spain.
Like compatriot (ish) Costa, He must overcome similarly scarring memories of a torrid summer in Brazil and a relatively disappointing stint with his home club but will be comforted by a return to the league where he made himself totally famous.
Can Fabregas and Costa recapture the form they never created for Spain?
Alexis Sanchez (10.5m) -- Arsenal
The Gunners’ indignation at the club’s refusal to re-sign their former talisman was exacerbated by his decision to join rivals (though admittedly not really in terms of challenging for the title anymore) Chelsea, but has been considerably alleviated by their acquisition of one of the planet’s brightest talents. Every year or so Barcelona dump a top-class player due to that ever-infuriating rule that only eleven players from one team are allowed on the pitch at any one time. Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Samuel Eto’o and David Villa have all left the Nou Camp in recent years for pastures less green but continued to impress.
This year the Catalan cutlass fell on Alexis (or “Alexi” if you work for the BBC or ITV, and are wrong). The princely sum of 10.5m makes him the second-priciest midfielder in the game after the illuminating Yaya Toure (11m) but there’s a decent chance he’ll be employed as a forward, like he was in Cataluña, and when Walcott’s fit again (fantasy fingers crossed), Arsenal will have a truly fearsome frontline for the first time since Terry Henry left. This pick has me hot under the collar, in the pants and all around the bit of the brain that does untimely boners.
Dusan Tadic (7.5m) -- Southampton
With 16 onion bag perforations (he insisted I call them that) in 33 appearances last campaign, the Serbian playmaker is renowned for silky dribbling and has proved himself a consistent goal-scorer in the Eredivisie. The real question is whether there will be anyone for whom to playmake.
It’s a fire sale at St Mary’s. Strikers, managers, defenders - Everything must go. This, combined with his lack of Prem experience adds up to a pretty hefty price tag. For 7.5 you could have Mirallas or Schürrle and for a pinch more at 8, Eriksen, Willian or Nasri could be on your team sheet. Avoid like Ebola.
Enner Valencia (7.0) -- West Ham
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it another Ecuadorian flop? NO! It’s Superman. Well, that’s what they call him, anyway. They call him that, presumably, because he can fly up either wing, has netted seven goals in 13 matches for his country and has the ability to see through walls (see video below for completion of joke).
At Mexican Premier Division runners-up Pachuca last year he racked up an impressive 18 goals in 23 appearances but similarities between that league and the BPL are about as plentiful as reasons to sign Fernando Torres. West Ham’s highest-scoring attacker last season was Carlton Cole with a meager 63 points. Will Big Sam opt for actual football this year? If so, this man could be the key – and your golden fantasy ticket.
The Unsigned
Guilhermo Ochoa (??) -- ??
Brazil conceded 11 of the last 14 shots that were fired at their goal in the World Cup. That phenomenally embarrassing stat is just one reason Julio Cesar’s days as a professional goalkeeper may be numbered. If QPR don’t want him (they do still have Rob ‘butter fingers’ Green after all), someone else might. Never underestimate the power of someone who looks like Ted Mosby and has made his name in the biggest competition on earth.
If you don't know How I met your mother*, this joke is not for you
*In the televisual sense, you understand. This is not one of those crass 'your mum' things. Couldn't think of one.
