You know you're deep into the bargain basement when: The sign on the door was written in orange crayon; you're up to your ankles in names you've never heard of and teams you promised yourself you'd never consider; and your guide/salesman/sludge representative is yammering in a mixture between auctioneer speak and tongues in an attempt to confuse you into buying the first/second/last thing you see. Allow Bantasy Football to be your sherpa up the shit mountain of random unknowns who play for these awful 'promoted clubs', whoever on earth they are, and teams like West Brom and Crystal Palace - who... weren't they relegated last season... or yet... or something?
Saido Berahino (5.5m) -- West Brom
Started to look dangerous towards the end of last season. Hit the post a lot in spectacular fashion. Scored twice against Sunderland just now. 13 fantasy points so far. Famously dislikes pronouns. Saido Berahino. Leonardo Ulloa (5.5m) -- Leicester
The club record signing (8 million squids he cost) has already struck gold for 0.5% of fantasy managers and has an eminently unpronounceable name. These are good things. Let them happen to you.
Danny Drinkwater (5.5m) -- Leicester
Save Money - drink this guy. Picked up a hammy complaint against Everton but was player of the season last year. FPL have seen fit to take this guy out of the budget 4.5-5 range so you know he's either got something up his sleeve or has the potential to be a mega bust. True result only to be determined in the future. Doesn't poker suck when you can't see the other guy's cards?
Allan McGregor (5m) -- Hull
OK so a Hull goalkeeper who plays for Hull... in goal. And all they did was beat QPR. I can see you have your disappointed face on already. But if I could kindly direct your attention in the direction of all these beautiful fantasy pointsesess:
Brede Hangeland (5m) -- Crystal Palace
Bready used to be my go-to carbohydrate but I've been on Atkins ever since Fulham began to suck harder than grandma going to town on a six pack of M&S extra large chicken periods (eggs). Well Fulham's atrocious defending is yesterday's news now and Crystal Palace are seemingly attempting to solve the dearth-of-Tony-Pulis problem by insisting their defenders score from corners. How original. But how fantasy relevant.
Lee Cattermole (4.5m) -- Sunderland
There are two kinds of people who have Lee Cattermole in their team. One is a Sunderland fan. Furry muff. The other is that fairweather fantasy player who picks a 4.5 midfielder at random, vaguely recognising his name from the time they played FIFA "with the rubbish teams". Anyway what a hit, son! 8 points, including a bonus point for his trouble. I can't think of a 4.5-priced midfielder who's scored more so far (because there isn't one). James Chester (4.5m) -- Hull
When he's not scoring own goals with his face, he's scoring proper goals (for his team and everything) from equally aesthetically displeasing set-play situations. This time it's bagged him a flipping 15-point haul, making him the best value player right now, according to maths. Also 1.5% of fantasy managers can't be wrong, unless they are, because after some tempting Stokey, Aston Vanilla-ey, West Hamy and Newcastley-type fixtures, Man City, Arsenal and Liverpool await between GWs 5-9. That's bad noooos.
Pic of the Day
Shout out to my man Stephen Colbert (pronounced the French way because satire). Dude knows how to make an unrelated funny.
