Gameweek 5 was more surreal than Aleckxs Salmon doing body shots off Kim Jong Un with Barbara Streisand rapping Dizzie Rascal's 'Bonkers' in the background. Lampard scoring? Yeh sure that's fine but wait... for City... against... Chelsea? Manchester United being rubbish again but wait... how rubbish were they you ask? 3-1 up then losing 5-3 (?!?!?) to newly-promoted Leicester Foxes. Wowza. To cap it all off, Liverpool were thunderstung 3-1 at Upton Park and Spurs produced their annual 'shock' home loss to a bottom-of-the-table side. Also Pardew wasn't sacked and Mesut Ozil actually played pretty well. What the bloody smell is goin' on?
Buy Low
Danny Welbeck (7.1) - Spurs (H), Chelsea (A), Hull (H)
I've been repping the lad since the big switch from United and it's finally paid off. A goal and an assist against a hitherto-staunch Aston Vanilla grabbed him 12 points and with Mesut Ozil now looking more productive in a central role, he should get even better service than before. Just no more of those silly dinked chips, please.
Do the Welbeck - da da da da da dada da da da da da dada da da da da!
Calum Chambers (4.5) -- Spurs (H), Chelsea (A), Hull (H)
Only low in terms of price and his next two fixtures, this boy's still a good long-term prospect if you haven't picked him up already. Still only owned by 9.1%, he's a nailed on right-back for Arsenal until Christmas because Debuchy whoopsied his ankle, and he's started the first few games at CB anyway. The schedule is iffy at best in terms of prospective clean sheets but we're only five weeks in and given his uber low price, it's fine to play the long game.
Niko Kranjcar (5.0) -- Southampton (A), West Ham (A), Liverpool (H)
If you don't trust QPR to score goals every week then congratulations - you are officially a sane person.
But Niko's wun of 'Arry's best chinas and will almost certainly play the full 90 every bubble and squeak if 'e's in top knick. A goal and two BPs sorted 'im 'aat wiff 9 points the uva day so he's quids in for some sausage rolls well soon. Be lucky.
Sell High
Wayne Rooney (10.4) -- West Ham (H), Everton (H), West Brom (A)
"It might be time to call time on our dear Wazza's fantasy potential," said the tautologous ogre to the crowd of baying Fantasy realists. He commands one of the loftiest price tags in the game but is providing spluttering, unpredictable returns and yet is still owned by 35.4% of managers. Scoring 10 Fantasy points against QPR is a bit like scoring weed in Amsterdam and his new number 10 role dramatically affected his production and restricted him to just an assist in the 5-3 mauling at the paws of Leicester. With games against West Ham and West Brom in the next three, it is worth hanging on for at least a week but be sure to have a contingency plan in order - you certainly want rid of him by GWs 9 and 10 against Chelsea and Man City, with a trip to the Emirates awaiting in GW 12.
Juan Mata (8.8) -- West Ham (H), Everton (H), West Brom (A)
LVG no likey. He's clearly not a fan of puns. This weekend a poultry 15 minutes was accrued in desperation time as LVG trialled a triumvirate comprising Robin Van Persie, Falcon punch and Lorraine Rooney (all birds, ya get me?). Those who lauded his 8-point haul against Rangers are looking mighty silly now. We may have an £8.8m fringe player on our hands. Who ever said don't pick Manchester United midfielders? (me - it was me. I said that.) Pablo Zabaleta (6.5) -- Hull (A), Aston Villa (A), Spurs
By being sent off against Chelsea, the Argentine has made concrete any doubts about whether to drop him. Normally an assist machine, Pablo is yet to register a point this season - be it attacking or defensive. In fact his total tally is... -1 from three starts. City have only kept one clean sheet (2-0 v.s. NEW) and he was sitting unpretty on the bench. Competition from Sagna (5.4) is fierce and the sitch is best avoided 'til we know wassup. Drop him. Do it.
No, no, no, no. don't phunk with my heeeeart. I don't care that he scored 21 points against Man United. Four were assists, two of which were pelanties [sic]. Someone was bound to go bonanza in that ridiculous game - Manchester defended like their shoelaces were tied together. He hasn't even played a full 90 yet and plays for Leicester. 0.6% of FPL managers CAN be wrong.
Fergie demonstrates how wide open the Man U defence was
Bargain Basement
Michael Duff (4.1) -- West Brom (A), Leicester (A), West Ham (H)
The Burnley centre-half is on fuego. He has 22 points in three games. That's more than Fabregas, Lukaku or Aguero. Three nil-nils in a row makes them arguably the most boring side to have ever graced this league but the upshot is fantasy gold. Pick him and pray they continue to bore.
