Tommy Kringle here. I've just squeezed down your chimney to tell you Ho Ho Who to put in your team for the boxing day fixtures! Just so long as you've left me a mince pie and a glug of brandy. Plenty of things to think about this week, with Chelsea facing a potentially difficult fixture at home to West Ham in the early kick off. Will Andy Carroll let his hair down, eat half a turkey, drink seven pints, go clubbing with Kevin Nolan, have a kebab, wake up to the alarm going off for the tenth time at 11:30, knock the half-eaten kebab off his bedside table as he scrambles for a hairband, pull on the shirt and terrorise John Terry with his morning stench? I certainly hope so. Merry Christmas, John. Better to stick with Stuart Downing, who I imagine has a cheese sandwich or something else terribly boring for Christmas before watching The Snowman, having a cry, and turning in at 9pm wearing his Steven Gerrard jammies to dream of what could have been.
Garlic sauce boss? Ha-wey!
Expect (but don't visualise) more rotation than Rafa Benitez at the world hula hooping championship as teams cope with the stress of playing three games in under a week. This is where it will be important to have squad players you can trust to step in, or undroppable players who will definitely start all three games. A controversial move could be to save your transfer this week to use the
extra freebee over the next two gameweeks, when there will be injury worries
and more visibility on who's being rested. You don't have to think too long-term though, with the January wild card coming up.
The Angel on the Top of the Tree
Olivier Giroud (£8.3m AND RISING, 6.4% ownership) vs. QPR
My first present to you (and all of womankind) comes in an ornate French box and is labelled 'fragile'. He's not even on the first page of highest-scoring strikers, he's missed over half the season with injury and he hasn't played 90 minutes once. This may urge a degree of caution, but who feels cautious when doing their fantasy team drunk on Christmas day?! Live a little - it's Christmas! Time to gamble on Giroud like he would gamble on a relationship, only for you this doesn't count as cheating. QPR are absolutely terrible away from home and so this should be as comfortable as it gets for an Arsenal side that does score goals even if their performances haven't always been top-notch of late.
Giroud: Caution or promise indeed naughty lady!
Alexis Sanchez (£11.4, owned by everyone) vs. QPR
The obvious other choice for captain for the cautious player. He may be rested though for what can be seen as the easiest of their upcoming fixtures, with difficult trips to West Ham and Southampton to come.
For starters
Costel Pantilimon (£4.5, 2.7% ownership) vs. Hull
This week it's less Costa del goal and more Costel del no-goals. On the back of some goalkeeping more terrible than the wordplay on this blog, Vito Mannone was dropped by Sunderland (anyone remember the 8-0 against Southampton?). Costel Panty-lemon, as I've heard he likes to be known, has stepped his 6 ft 8 self into the frame and never looked back (or up at anyone). Sunderland have kept four clean sheets in their last six, and they welcome Hull to the Stadium of Light on boxing day, who themselves have only scored two goals in their last nine games including three in a row without scoring! With twenty points in his last three games, he's the most in-form keeper in the division, and the most enormous.
Out of my way tiny humans!
A sausage wrapped in bacon
Harry Kane (£5.2, 9.5% ownership) @ Leicester City
The meteoric rise of Harry Kane continues - from Fool's Gold, to Puntsville, to star attraction of any Christmas dinner, is there nothing this man can't do at the moment? When the news dropped, he's quoted as saying "it's fantastic, I never thought I'd be the meat within a meat within a Christmas dinner-based extended football metaphor. It's like Inception for pork; Porkception." I can't see him not scoring at Leicester. Man's hotter than a chilli-dipped chipolata in a deep fat fryer.
Turkey
There's a reason we only eat turkey once a year. It's dry and it sucks compared to almost any other roasted meat. Everyone who's anyone knows that goose is the only meat to eat at Christmas.
Leighton Baines (£7.3m, 22.5% ownership) - vs. Stoke
Old Leighton has made a Kafkaesque metamorphosis from golden goose to expensive shit turkey, yet he still pops up in an incredible 22.5% of teams, including my own! This low-flying turkey has slipped under the radar, but it's time to get rid of him. He's only registered seven points in the last six games, despite averaging ten points per game in the four previous. His goose is cooked.
Charlie Austin (£6m, 14.9% ownership) @ Arsenal
What!? Austin a turkey!? Hold fire, this man's a turkey AWAY from home, scoring only two of his eleven goals on his travels. This is probably symptomatic of QPR setting up differently, with a lone front man rather than two up top. I can't see this changing at Arsenal, so don't rush to bring him in just yet.
The day Bantasy Football 'did a Sony'
Christmas Puddings
Some people like it, some don't. It's a gamble. Brandy butter is always delicious though and maybe you'll find a penny in it or something.
David Silva (£8.9, 8.1% ownership) @ West Brom
He's back from injury with two goals, and whilst playing in a Man City side without a striker the burden will fall on him to chip in with more. When he and Nasri are both fit and firing, City look at their dangerous best. The only thing is he's a similar player to Christian Eriksen - an assist assister. The player that makes the team tick and pulls the strings doesn't necessarily result in fantasy points unless he's sticking it in the onion bag or putting said onions on a plate for someone else to. As the old adage goes:
Fantasy gold, assists and goals
Assist assister? Ha, I'd rather play twister
Then again, you'd expect City to beat West Brom - and when they do, everyone's favourite "diminutive Spaniard" (partly because he allows them to utter that phrase) will be the best player on the pitch. Man City also have a great run of fixtures coming up, playing Burnley and Sunderland at home after this one.
Classic assist assister action. No points for this move
Angel di Maria (£9.5, 13.8% ownership) vs. Newcastle
He's back. Well, he's sort of back. Coming on for a 30 minute cameo against Aston Vanilla last time around. He was electric at the start of the season, then dropped off a bit, but can now be picked up for a snip at £9.5m, down £0.7m from his peak. A good replacement for Hazard if the injury looks like it will rule him out. Definitely a gamble.
Theo Walcott (£8.9m, 0.1% ownership) vs. QPR
If this pays off it will be more miraculous than a woman giving birth to a baby whilst remaining a virgin. A true Christmas miracle, and that's the gospel truth. Theeeeee-oooo has played 23 minutes of football this season but was on the bench last week at Liverpool and is apparently raring to go. He could start against QPR, though, with Wenger looking to give Sanchez a rest. Who knows!? Not I, said the Xmas Walrus.
