You read that right. There'll be nothing wild about my card in the new year. This time I'm planning ahead, doing it proper styley and you, you beautiful thing you, get to look into my brain as I do it.
Maybe it's all the eggnog and cava still fizzing around in my blood stream (the last piss I took quite literally included bubbles) but I'd like to play my January Wildcard at the most impeccable moment possible. Much like a deluded american teenager imagining her first time, I want it to be perfect; I want it to feel special. Instead unlike her, I only use the word 'literally' when I am actually being literal.
RIP you beautiful man
The goal is to line it all up real nice so you can use two FTs the week before and then BLAM! Mix it up like Diplo or DeadMaus or any of those disyllabic iPod experts getting £5m a year to push buttons in Vegas on Thursday nights. Obviously if injuries or suspensions begin to tear your squad a new exit hole, you may have to reconsider but in an ideal world, ceteris paribus and all that, here's what you do:
1. SAVE your Free Transfer this week - Unless you really are on your last legs
2. Bring in two banging starters for GW 21with your FTs - Think short-term. Think man-of-the-moment. Think Falcao (10.5), Hurri Kane (5.3), David Silva (9.2) or Stevan Jovetic (7.8)
3. Make one sensible transfer for GW 22 - Lukaku (8.9) at home to West Bum or Christian Eriksen (8.2) at home against Sunderland
4. Activate your wildcard as soon as GW 22 kicks off - This let's you play the market and improve your budget with canny Wolf of Wall Street-type dealings all the way up to the creation of your masterpiece Fantasy squad for GW 23
5. Sit back and watch the points roll in
Wildcard Window Breakdown
Below is the logic behind why playing your Wildcard for GW 23 will provide guaranteed Fantasy management magic, with a side of some long-sighted transfer targets you may be eyeing up from afar.
Between Gameweek 20-21
Fortune favours the bold. This move favours those who can't wait to see the back end of players who've become hurt or useless in recent weeks. If you have a few African or Asian players (yes, for some reason that includes Aussie Mile Jedinak) this may also be a good time to blow it all up. Sadio Mane, the Toure brothers, Wilfried Bony and Diafra Sakho are just some of those you'll be wanting to ditch. If you can avoid it, though, save that WC for a another time - like that film you keep meaning to watch but never do.
Eric Cartman reviews 'The Interview' a la Mark Kermode
Top Shouts:
Chelsea are at home to freely-conceding Newcastle so this is a good opportunity to get at least two of Costa, Hazard and Fabregas in. It could also be prime time to bring in some high risk, high reward Man United players given their tasty-looking clash at Old Trafford against Southampton. Falcao (who lest we forget is remunerated £260,000 p/w) may be nailed-on by then. Mata might have found his scoring boots and De Gea will still be a surprisingly good option (he's the top scoring 'keeper atm - told ya).
Between Gameweek 21-22
This GW has no easy home fixtures for the top eight sides and is so not a week you want to play your WC. It's all about bringing in some big guns, captaining a sure-fire double-digit-getter and watching as your newly-acquired artillery blows the competition away, leaving them in the dusticles. Don't blow Santa's best gift on a week where Man City play Arsenal (although to be fair there were a few goals last time, remember?), United are away to QPR and Swansea entertain Chelsea. Top Shouts:
See step two.
Assuming you ARE wildcarding like an absolute muppet, make sure you bring in some nice long-term prospects (i.e. no Man Utd defenders or midfielders) before getting your head checked... and buying a selfie stick. Everyone needs a selfie stick.
Much better
Between Gameweek 22-23
This is where the money's at. Arsenal at home to Aston Vanilla, Man Utd v.s. Leicester at Old Trafford, Liverpool hosting Wham and away experts Spurs at West Brom. Chelsea v.s. Man City is not, as you may think, a fly in the ointment. There has been just one goalless draw between them in 21 meetings and in that span there was a 6-0, a 3-2, a 4-2 and a 3-1. No template team is going to forgo Chelsea and City coverage anyway so don't overthink it. They have to play each other eventually.
Perhaps most importantly, this GW gives you the opportunity to be master of your own fate. If you back Liverpool, United, Spurs or Arsenal to go on a run, you can bring in two or maybe even three of their players. It's also the week that the schedule of top four dark horses Southampton finally clears up after a trying Christmas period. Take this route and you shall have options, my friends. Options is when you know you've truly made it.
Options: Go swimming - or don't - your choice
Between Gameweek 23-24
You might have left it a bit late, son. Forget the mathematical fact that you want to change your lineup for the better sooner rather than later if you back yourself to actually make improvements. Consider the schedule - the North London and Merseyside Derbies, which are always as unpredictable as sin; United in a tough test away to West Ham; and Chelsea at Aston Villa, where they lost 1-0 in March. Man City will crush Hull at home but it 'aint worth your whole precious wildcard - you should have two or three Citizens in your side by then anyway.
Between Gameweek 24-25
You've missed it and are now playing your normal wildcard like a moron.
