As if stuffing your gob with all that festive football weren't enough of a treat, the tired legs of the big boys and buoyed spirits of the little'uns brought us shock results all round - from Tottenham's masterclass against Chelsea to Arsenal's capitulation at Southampton, to Liverpool's effete draw against Leicester and Manchester United's poor 1-1 showing at Stoke. Even Man City surprised us by not thumping Sunderland 8-0, letting the game become an actual contest that ended 3-2. What to make of this week's fixtures, then? Well, if you're not playing your wildcard -and unless you're legitimately prophetic I would advise against it - here are some low-carb gluten-free portion-controlled morsels to keep you feeling happy and slim this New Year's resolution.
AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Book jokes.
All Aboard the Bandwagon
Harry Kane (5.6) -- Tottenham | CRY (A)
Asked what was the least surprising aspect of the Chelsea game, one would have to say that magic man Harry Kane played a blinder. His form had been shit-hot going into the London "derby", making it all the more infuriating for those who benched him, or preferred to transfer in another budget striker option. There's still time to board the bandwagon, though. Only 24.7% of teams currently have the best player in the world for some reason. Snap him up before that figure trebles. Just hope he doesn't move to Real Madrid and start getting haters a la Bale.
Having tired of Gareth's "selfish" play, Cristiano looks towards a new British Idol
Buy Low
George Boyd (4.6) -- Burnley | QPR (H)
Is it still Christmas or something? Could you ask for more than a budget midfielder who plays every game, has two goals in two and faces QPR and Crystal Palace at home before Sunderland away in his next three matches? January sales o'clock. Bag this one before he expires.
You were looking for Geroge Boyd all along and you didn't even know it
Sell High
Wilfried Bony (8.4) -- Swansea | ACoN
City's new superstar will not be involved in their potentially disastrous January fixture list, wherein they face Everton this weekend, Arsenal and Chelsea in immediate succession. He will, instead, be playing his footy in Africa for the Ivory Coast, who have inexplicably only won the competition once - in 1992 - despite having boasted some of the world's niftiest players over the last decade. If My Little Bony's participation in this tourney comes as a shock to you - and you had a super secret squirrel plan to bring in this "Swansea" striker that you cleverly knew - like no-one else - was going to be starting up front for the most prolific team in the league - kindly realise you're not as clever as you think you are and sit back down. Don't be too hard on yourself, though. If 2014 and the first few days of 2015 is anything to go by, this is seemingly the year in which the idiot will prosper.
We're all fucked
Puntsville, USA
Andrej Kramaric (?) -- Leicester | AST (H)
The Foxes have smashed their transfer record's back doors in to bring in this 23-year-old Chelsea target and Croatia striker for £9.7m. With 28 goals in 24 games for HNK Reija, a team that looks like some sort of currency or stock exchange acronym, he could well displace Leonardo Ulloa (5.2), whose playing time has seen a sharp decrease over the festive period. Leicester's next four fixtures are decent but the deal isn't quite cemented yet and from Gameweek 25 all hell breaks loose - with Arsenal, Everton, Chelsea and Man City back-to-back. So welcome to Puntsville, where the players don't even have prices yet, the names are unpronounceable and a goose egg is a very real possibility. Still, why not back yourself? It's 2015, bitches! And it's time to take the bull by the balls.
Motivational mugs make melancholic moments more manageable
Fool's Gold
Saido Berahino (5.4) -- West Brom | v. HUL (H)
A move to Liverpool or Tottenham for circa £20m or wingers of a value thereabouts has been heavily touted. This could dramatically improve the sprightly forward's value but, if he does move to White Hart Lane, his pitch time could become even less predictable than it is at the Hawthorns. Another example of why the January wildcard is best left towards the end of the transfer window. Steer clear until his destination is known.
Went for the least raunchy picture 'cause I'm tasteful and all that. Google exists though.
