For a price, they say, you can get anything you want in this world. That is certainly true in Fantasy Football, where access to the most Sterling (pun fully intended) resources is yours if you cough up the right dolla. But what about those forgotten gems - the Ben Mees of this world, whose services can be solicited for as little as a bran muffin and a free sugar packet? Bantasy Football can make your Gameweek shine by elucidating the difference between a home run points magnet and an embarassing whiff ball. It's Guest DJ Chrissy Clark on the decks this week. Watch him plug in his iPod and crank out some banging chooooons sound Fantasy Football advice. Escúchalo! By Chris Clark
Captain Marvel
With HurriKane, Costa del Gol and Eden Hazardously good at football off playing for Milk this Sunday, City at Anfield and Arsenal hosting Everton, this could be the toughest - and most crucial armband decision of your season, maybe even your life. One might think captaining a Manchester United player at home to Sunderland is the best option. I use "one" there not in the way that Queenie might use it, but rather to indicate that there is literally one person alive capable of thinking that might be a good idea.
United are now totally unreliable and RVP (12.1m), who was once a total banker for a home goal or three, is carrying a knock and has a worse goals per 90 minutes ratio (0.45) than Dwight Gayle (0.5), Diafra Sakho (0.64) and the irrepressible Papiss Cisse (1.07!).
Given that Everton recently strung three consecutive clean sheets together - and that Liverpool have had five in their last six - it really is a sticky bollock of a decision. We're gonna hope back-from-owie maestro Alexis Sanchez (11.3) or pen-taker Santi Cazorla (8.6m) continue to produce, or rely on old fave Sergio Aguero (12.8m) to get us at least a 6 pointer. Those wishing to push the boat out slightly might want to opt for David Silva (9.4m), who's raked in 22 points over the last two Gameweeks.
Polar Bears: Typically helpful when not wasting time drinking Coca Cola
Buy Low
Brown Ideye (5.6) -- West Brom | SOU (H)
Browny Day (even more fun than a snow day), having started his West Brom career looking about as useful as a sun dial in the greater Birmingham area and on the cusp of buggering off to play in Qatar for purely sporting reasons, has turned things around in the last few weeks and found himself in amongst the goals for a team that badly needs them. If he can keep up goal-scoring exploits he could be a steal at this low low one time offer price. At home against a Southampton team that has slightly gone off the boil of late, he’s worth a shout.
Sell High
Olivier Giroud (8.3) -- Arsenal | EVE (H)
After been declared the man, and proclaimed by Arsenal fans to be better than Messi and an all-round nicer guy than Jesus based on his ability to pop up with the odd bog-standard goal, Giroud's form dropped like he's hot Madonna - he returned to his usual form against Monaco mid-week and looked roughly as useful as a male model who wore an arsenal kit to the stadium and somehow got on to the pitch. Could be time to cash in after the hype of a few weeks back.
Puntsville, USA
Nene (6.0) -- West Ham | CRY (H)
The Hammers' new signing could be in with a chance of starting now that Andy Carroll's out cold and considering West Ham’s backup selection of strikers seem to be made of fine bone china. Choosing between them must be as pleasurable as choosing whether to be punched in the huevos by Mike Tyson or kicked in the balls by Johnny Wilkinson. Luckily for Big Sam, Campbell, Sanogo and Chamakh all happened to get injured at once. Either way, Nene has to be better than playing Jussi Jaaskelainen up front, right? He could surprise as an unknown quantity on his home debut against Palace and is classed as a midfielder if you're into that sort of thing. Plus he's owned by exactly 0.0% of managers. If you were the only one to put him in (you will be) and he scored a hat-trick (he won't) think of the deluge of roses and panties that would fly your way.
Fool’s Gold
Juan Mata (8.3) / Falcao (10.5) -- Manchester United | SUN (H)
With a favourable fixture ahead of them against a weakened Sunderland and United smarting from an unexpected loss to Swansea, you might expect either of these players to suddenly go off and replicate their form from years past - but for some reason it just does not seem to be happening for them, particularly Radamel Falcon Punch. I would feel sorry for them if they weren’t making the best part of 400k between them each week. That’s a full 100K more than I get paid to write these articles!
