The best league in the world (TM) is under severe scrutiny as all of our teams have crashed out of European competition. Apart from Everton of course (we're not counting Arsenal and Man City's negligible hopes round these parts). Mighty Everton! Showing that the team 14th in the EPL can compete with Europe's finest with ease. Meanwhile Chelsea couldn't force surrender from a French side who were undeservedly a man down early on after a truly award-winning performance from Oscar. Their display against Blanc's men waved a white flag to the rest of Europe, and quite frankly our teams have been an embarrassment. Let's not forget that this Chelsea team were being touted as potentially going the season unbeaten as late as November. So where does this leave you, the Bantasy Football reader? Hurt, slightly confused, angry at Europe? Nigel Farage - he's got some good ideas...
Who needs Europe anyway?
...and a world cup in Qatar! In 1000 degree heat! That's not for us pure blooded folk of these green and pleasant lands. Let's have our own World Cup in England and only invite good, honest, hard-working Englishmen - we'll win that. Ing-ger-land!
Football is confusing, especially when seen through the hyperbolic lens of the media. Unbeatable Chelsea, bipolar Everton, Manchester United in crisis, Liverpool statistically the best team in Europe in 2015, Pellegrini facing the axe. It doesn't sell papers, but basically everyone has ups and downs and it pretty much evens out in the end. Controversial.
So back your favourites this week, as it's generally quite tricky. You'd expect Arsenal to beat West Ham, but not by much. Chelsea v Southampton is likely to be tighter than Alexis Sanchez's shorts (lay-deez). United vs. Spurs begs the question: Will United be more United or will Spurs do a Spurs? These teams are just so hard to predict in all ways apart from being entirely unpredictable. Everton could win the Europa League and get relegated. Liverpool go to Swansea which they should win, but always has extra spice as the Welshmen raise their game against the Brodge.
Eyes up here baby
Captain Fantastic
Sergio Aguero
He hasn't been rattling them in with quite the regularity we are used to, but the guy's just pure class. City have had the week off (and haven't travelled to the Middle East for a dubaious friendly this time). Toure's back, Silva is firing (another worthy captain choice), and most importantly, Burnley are the opposition. A wounded Chelsea don't play until the next day, so City can cut the gap to two points and will be fired up for revenge considering they threw away a two goal lead at home earlier in the year. This is more of a banker than the man in a suit buying vodka sodas for vapid looking women at 2am.
Buy Low
Dame N'Doye
Flying under the radar, he was signed by Hull at the end of January and comes in at a cut-price £5.5m. A good replacement for Charlie Austin if you put him in your team last week, he's the third best striker in terms of form (after Kane and Aguero) and has scored 3 of the last 5 goals Hull have scored, assisted one, and only didn't have a hand in the other because he's not a massive show off alright? Hull go to Leicester, who have to start winning games and so will likely see this as an opportunity for three points and throw more caution to the wind.
Buy Anyway
David Silva
The guy is on fire. Previously the king of assisting assists, he has hit 10 goals in a season for the first time in his 5 years in England, and has 7 real life assists to boot. As mentioned earlier, Man City are playing Burnley. I've been holding off on bringing Silva into my team to my own detriment, thinking he'll return to his infuriatingly brilliant but not point-scoring form. Disappointingly he has not, so maybe it's time to bite the bullet, pay the money and draft him in.
Puntsville USA
For dessert, allow me to bring you Liverpool three ways. Moreno meringue, Sakho souffle, with a Coutinho quenelle, and an edible flower, obviously. Liverpool, contrary to popular belief, have been very tidy at the back with their new 3-4-3 formation. Alberto Moreno plays wing back, and has popped up with a couple of goals this season. Sakho will be back for the Monday game against Swansea, and it should be a full strength and well-rested side, potentially with the carrot that winning will get them into the top four depending on other results.
Coutinho is the icing on the cake of this extenuated pudding-based metaphor. He is the most important player on the team and is in red hot form, scoring three brilliant goals recently as well as having an assist in him. Sure he's a bit of a gamble, but at least if you waput him in your team you can root for one of the most exciting players to watch in the English Premier League, the best league in...
