I didn't watch last night's political debate, which is just as well as it turns out every party won it so those who did needn't have bothered. I don't know who said what. I don't know what they want to do with the country. And accordingly I can't make any topical jokes related to the subject. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills that allow me to deduce, without question, that each and every one of the seven candidates is captaining Benteke this weekend in their Fantasy Football team (yes, even Farage). There are Double Gameweeks for the players of Aston Village and Q.P.Are rubbish, which is a bit like giving a luxury mansion to the cast of Geordie Shore - They don't deserve it but in a funny way they'll probably make better use of it than I would 'cause they play with reckless abandon and they're ordinarily so cheap.
Captain Marvel
Christian Benteke (7.5) -- Aston Villa | MUN (A), QPR (H)
The quasi-religious #AlwaysCaptainKane movement has almost enough momentum to achieve tax-exempt status and with good reason - you don't need me to tell you that the boy's playing out of his skin. But a Double Gameweek is just too juicy to turn down. Charlie Austin (6.4) should also be considered and in all likelihood you'll just captain whichever of the two you have (your other strikers being Kane and Costa/Aguero... obvs) but given the choice, I'll take the Belgian by a hair. He's proved to have a higher ceiling with 12 and 13 point hauls against West Brom and Sunderland recently (Austin tends to just score once then chill the fuck out while his defenders concede twice) and Aston Villa have scored six in their last three - twice as many as the Rs (worst nickname ever?). He's the pricier of the two but you can't put a price on success.
Buy Low
Matthew Phillips (4.6) -- QPR | WBA (A), AST (A)
The Hoops (second worst nickname ever?) are hardly firecrackers in the sack - or the back for that matter. They've scored precisely once in each of their last five games and lost every time. The lovely thing about a DGW, though, is you're almost guaranteed four points from a nailed-on starter. Anything on top of that is bonus balls. Phillips scored his first of the season two weeks ago at Palace and is a regular starter now. With two big games against fellow strugglers Brom and Villa, he's a great short-term fix... just it's for a problem no-one really has. Not many mid-low range midfielders have been injured recently so Phillips is likely to me more useful to those looking to take a hit on an under-performing Sanchez, Downing or Sterling and upgrade elsewhere. Or you could just save the cash and buy yourself an enormous hollow chocolate egg in a giant box for seven times the price of a chocolate bar that weighs the same amount.
Sell High
Daniel Sturridge (11.1) -- Liverpool | Arsenal (A)
I failed to see why quite so many people brought Spaniel Porridge in when he returned from injury and with a pitiful two goals in his last seven league matches, I'm glad to say I've been proved right. He's yet to score more than 8 Fantasy points this season and has only played 90 minutes twice since his comeback but is still astronomically expensive. I'm not sure where the magic was supposed to come from but now that he's picked up a knock, those deluded fools (Liverpool fans one and all, I imagine) still hanging onto him will surely see the light and get rid.
