Guest Writer Alex Hall, whose team currently caresses the top 3000 mark in FPL, takes to the Bantasy Football Blog to show us how it's done - and tickle us pink with funnies in the process.
Demolition Derby?
Looking forward to derby day on Sunday? Race war in West
London followed by what Wikipedia dubs the “biggest game in modern club
football”… 3rd vs. 4th
in the league? Ich don’t think so.
The real action comes on Saturday as Spuds look to put some
pressure on Louis van Pelliwenger with a victory over former boss Tim “it’s not a gilet it’s a
coat” Sherwood at the Lane. It seems like a big ask for Liverpool and
Tottenham to close the gap on the top 4 but both teams will be looking to
capitalise on Citeh’s inability to... Shutthebackdoor.
Many will look to Kane as
the obvious Captain pick this week (#AlwaysCaptainKane), but if you’re trying to close the gap and
looking for a differential... then Captain Kane anyway. This isn’t the week to
get cute and try and pull a miracle captain out of the hat. Stick with the
crowd. Stay in the game.
Then the real, REAL action comes mid-way through Soccer
Saturday when we will all switch over to Channel 4 to watch some ‘orses jump
over some ‘ay. You will have picked one of the favourites (probably AP McCoy’s
Shutthefrontdoor), an outsider with a decent shot and a funny name (probably
one of Many Clouds, The Package (R4), Court by Surprise) and you will throw in
one no hoper just for shits and giggles. It will most likely be Gas Line Boy
because, come on, who the fuck names an ‘orse Gas Line Boy?!
Captain Marvel
Harry Kane (6.4)
-- TOT | AST (H)
Having been kept out away at Burnley last week, might we
expect another tough 90 mins for boy wonder Harry Kane? Perhaps Tim Sherwood
who brought him into the first team during his short tenure as Pochettino’s
seat-warmer knows how to shut him down?
Nah blud. Go with the masses this week, the only exception
might be Rooney who could Tearcityanewbackdoor.
Kane against Villa is a sure thing. Unless Spurs pull a
Spurs.
Buy Low
Glenn Murray
(5.1) – Crystal Palace | SUN (A)
Crystal Pardew sadly doesn’t have the same ring to it as Crystal Pulis / Tony
Palace and that’s probably the reason they’ve slipped under the radar since ol’
Pards escaped the Ashley twins and took the reins. Saaaaf Laaandan is where
this man belongs. Crystals Nightclub
– nuff said.
Morale is
high within the Crystal Penis camp coming off the back of 4 wins in 6 and a
massive result on Monday night which was surely the nail in the coffin for San
Pelligrino. Palace currently sit 4thin the
form table (City are down in 9th) and the star man of the moment is Glenn Murray with
a goal, assist and 3 bonus points in his last 2 matches - averaging 7.8 points
in his last 5 appearances.
Introduced to the team by Pardew, it took him a few games to find his groove but he makes a perfect replacement for those looking to offload Austin / Bentekkers / Giroud for the blank GW and has some tasty fixtures on the horizon with SUN (A), WBA (H) and HUL (H). You could even consider him for the captaincy in GW33 if you have the Billy big balls.
Puntsville, USA
Loric Remy
(7.1) -- Chelsea | QPR (A)
Loric Remy is a badman.
And he is a quality footballer. And he will start against QPR. And QPR are dog
shite. And QPR just conceded 3 at the Village. And Remy is a perfect
replacement for Giroud who has a blank coming up (or Austin / Bentekkers if you
have some spare change). AND he provides a cheap way into the Chelsea attack for #DGW34.
But…
Chelsea aren’t playing
well – these is facts. Chelsea don’t score many goals. Costa could be fit to face
Arsenal so Remy is a short fix and with Liverpool suddenly having no GW32 match anymore, you may have bigger fish to vajazzle than a striker you'll invariably need to replace after a week or two. Oh and have you forgotten about one Monsieur Didier Drogba le Arsenale Destroyere? Remy is by no means Jose’s first choice with Costa out.
Also QPR are going to be up
for this game as it might be their last West London derby until they are
inevitably relegated, fined, and relegated once again to League One. Here they can
pick up their West London turf war with Full Ham.
You would expect Chelsea
to grind out a result here but QPR have caused them trouble in the past and are
more than capable of an upset. With the uncertainty around Costa’s return
date and the presence of Drogba, making a move for Remy now ain’t a no brainer - this is smack bang in the village center of Puntsville, USA.
Hold Fire
Charlie
Austin (6.5) -- QPR | CHE (H)
Fair enough if you’ve got a free transfer to burn and you’re
looking to get rid of him before the blank next week, but I’m predicting a
goal-fest here and if QPR get a couple you can bet your bottom dollar Austin
Powers will be involved. Same goes for Bentekkers BT dubs - he too did you the business
mid-week and he could cause Spurs some problems. It’s in times like these that
we must remember the wise words of Mel Gibson, “I’ll burn the Goddamn house
down, but blow me first”.
