Bantasy Football: Gameweek 35: Massive Election Coming Up

Gameweek 35: Massive Election Coming Up

Experts are experts for a reason: Because they call themselves experts. I'm not calling myself a Fantasy Football expert, but I am, and along with all the other stat jockeys, I'm scratching my noggin at the fact that the Gameweek with the most build up of the season resulted in such a damp hung Parliament fart of a weekend.

If you captained Hazard, you're a sensible sausage and were rewarded with 10 points.
If you captained Sterling, well done you brave soul - you scored 10 points.
If you captained Kane, you're a slave to a catchy hashtag and I salute you with 10 points.
If you captained Michael Dawson, you are a professional numpty - have 42 points.

So on to Gameweek 35, then, for business as usual - except that the League title and Champions League spaces are sewn up, making starting lineups and levels of giveafuck almost impossible to predict for all the decent teams. It's almost as if you should just give up and focus on getting bikini-ready for summer. Don't though. Apart from anything else, there's funnies to come. Look out below.

My feels exactly

Captain Marvel

~~Eden Hazard -- Chelsea | CRY (H)~~

Sergio Aguero -- Man City | TOT (A)

You may see a home tie against Palace as a banker for the Champions elect. They'll probably sweep them away in style, you might think, whereas City face a potential banana skin at White Hart Lane. But while the Eagles have as little to play for as Spurs, City tend to give Tottenham a right severious spanking wherever they play. Let's assume both matches are won by the favourites 3-0, then. It's still a no-brainer to captain Kun. Here's why:

Eden's a match-winner. He finds it unbecoming and unnecessarily ostentatious to directly involve himself in a rout. It's just showing off. Those skippering him for the DGW34 suffered from a double-barrelled blank despite the Blues' 3-1 win against the feisty Foxes and Hazard has an uncanny inability to score well in Fantasy when Chelsea start banging them in. Consider the Chelsea games in which they scored three or more and his points in those games:

BUR (A) 3-1 : 2pts

EVE (A) 6-3 : 5pts

SWA (H) 4-2 : 2pts

AVL (H) 3-0 : 3pts

TOT (H) 3-0 : 9pts

TOT (A) 3-5 : 7pts

SWA (A) 5-0 : 3pts

HUL (A) 3-2 : 9pts

LEI (A) 3-1 : 2pts

Now look at Aguero's point scores for when City have scored three or more:

LIV (H) 3-1 : 6pts

HUL (A) 4-2 : 8pts

TOT (H) 4-1 : 19pts

SOU (A) 3-0 : 7pts

SUN (A) 4-1 : 16pts

STK (A) 4-1 : 11pts

NEW (H) 5-0 : 9pts

WBA (H) 3-0 : 2pts

AVL (H) 3-2 : 6pts

Both superstars have played in nine games in which their side scored thrice or more but the difference in what they produced in those matches is astonishing. Even Zach Galafanikis can't believe it.

Buy Low

Jamie Vardy -- Leicester | NEW (H)

Jamie Vardy hasn't sent in his postal vote for the general election, even though it only takes a minute. It's not because he doesn't care about politics. Far from it - it's because he's been too busy making a mockery of anyone foolhardy enough to leave him out of their double Gameweek 34 side. There's still time, though. Chasing points is never fun but at under a fiver and due his goal every other game at home to the useless Toon defence (15 conceded in their last 7) this guy remains a bargain.

...or filled out a postal vote. Isn't there the internet by now or something? Why am I dicking around with eleventeen envelopes?

Sell High

Wayne Rooney -- Manchester United | WBA (H)

It's too late in the game for wholesale changes to be truly worthwhile but it's also too late in the game to have a pricey striker who may not play one quarter (one game) of the remaining season. Roondog has a knock and if you can afford to sub in and captain Aguerocat (see above), you should.

Are you aware the title to this post is dirty?

Fool's Gold

Hector Bellerin -- Arsenal | HUL (A)

He might look a tasty option but Hector could be Bellerout before you know it. Wenger changes his favourite full-backs more often than I change my opinion on Russell Brand, Debuchy's nearly fit again and Gibbs and Chambers are both also available. Looking forward to the Gunners' double Gameweek 37 is admirable but you want to use every one of those three available slots to the fullest and - SPOILER ALERT - anyone not starting every game isn't worth having.