So craven were the efforts of my Fantasy football players in the once-upon-a-time tremendously exciting Gameweek 37 and so contemptible was the unpredictability with which the results came to pass that I have been forced to replace my usual joyous, irreverent and intentionally helpful weekly update with an irate diatribe of contrarian near-nonsense that will probably assist no-one. In lieu of my usual Bantastic picks, you're now tuned in to scathing satirical jibes. In other words, a mofo's about to get sarcy AAF* up in hurr. Takin'. No. Prisoners. Or full sentences.
*As actual fuck
Gameweek 37 Round-up (flatteries not included)
Southampton's Sadio Mane, who has been on fire all season ever since I wrote this illuminating, if overly-serious, scout piece about him, scored the Milky Way's fastest ever Wotsit without breaking a sweat, breaking into dance or breaking out a single decent finish. It was a Stone Cold Steve Shock to see Aston Village, who've been terrific all season, succumb to any kind of defeat - least of all a 6-1 demolition.
Burnley entertained Stoke and, as per usual, both sides thoroughly entertained everyone. It was the first game shown on Match of the Day and multiple fucks were given.
Newcastle, who thoroughly deserve to be in the Premier League, lost against QPR, who had it all to play for. Emmanuel Riviere scored yet again to make him a shoe-in for the Golden Boot (I can't have just coined that phrase... have I seriously just coined that phrase?!)
[Pats self on back]
Tottenham, demonstrating what a club that puts performance before profit can do, beat a Hull side who looked to have a thousand different methods of scoring. Somehow none of them came off. If this game had mattered to Spurs and not Hull at this stage of the season, there is no way the result would have finished the other way around. Left-back Danny Rose naturally picked up his standard 14-point haul for a clean sheet, a stunning volleyed goal inside the penalty area and the Man-of-the-match gong.
Sunderland and Leicester drew 0-0 in a game that bore no resemblance to a fixture involving two teams that have just about staved off relegation. It was less reminiscent of an ageing hipster's glee at the season's first fresh batch of oversized mushrooms than a genuine football match.
West Ham lost to Everton in a match billed by most commentators as "the battle of the still relevant". Stewart Downing, who is famously worth £15m more than Gareth Bale, scored the loser.
Steven Gerrard's last game at Anfield was an evening to saviour for the eloquent changeling. Liverpool lost 1-3 to Crystal Palace in a match that wasn't even slightly reminiscent of Crystambul and will most certainly persuade Raheem Sterling to stay for less money and the same number of trophies (0).
Some say Stevie G's hair, much like his ambition, never grew an inch
Swansea and Man City played out a 2-4 bore draw (It was boring in that there weren't any goals and it was a draw in that it didn't matter to the team who won so may as well have been).
Manchester United and Arsenal met in one of their fiercest and most meaningful encounters to date. Theo Walcott's equaliser/forced OG mattered even slightly because it cemented the third place that Arsenal already had sewn up, not just because it was Walcott's third anything this season and he wanted to feign importance.
"Heeeey, I matter and the season's still going! This holiday outfit? Oh that's just an illusion!"
In the least surprising result of the weekend that won't have caused even a single smashed laptop, Absolutely Fabregas went all pitch-and-put for Chelsea against West Brom, opening the gate for a 3-0 defeat of the Champions, who lose 3-0 all the time. It was the funniest chip-and-pin incident ever.
Berahino, in line for his ninth game without a goal, scored a million Fantasy points against the typically porous Jose Mourinho defence. FML.
In a finale befitting legend, Arsenal and Sunderland epitomised the integrity and professionalism of the Premier League's run-in by going hell for leather in a real slugfest of kicking it straight at the keeper really hard - even though a 0-0 draw would have suited them both just fine. By the grace of one of the many-faced Gods, this somehow contrived to produce a goalless draw - Sunderland's second on the trot as all pundits anticipated and the first time in history the Gunners have bored the actual tits off anyone.
Jackie Chan: Former world champion of pretending to be in a fight
The Final Whistle
To saunter back to the unfamiliar surroundings of sincerity, the reality is that if you still care about your Fantasy season at this stage, you've likely got your transfers all lined up and ready to pop. If not, you'll likely discard my advice in any event so all that remains is for me to wish y'all the very best of luck. It's been real this past season; I hope you've enjoyed reading my scribbles as much as I've enjoyed carelessly vomiting them from my scrambled brain.
