What do ice cream, Pimm's and sandcastles have in common? That's right: They're all insidious wastes of time, money and/or effort. They cause obesity, liver disease and inevitably disintegrate, reminding us of our inescapable mortality respectively. Thank fudge summer is officially over and proper life can recommence. Hello, Jeff Stelling. Come here, you, Super Sunday. Aaaaah yeh that's the spot, Bonus Points - you cheeky little minxes. Tans fade and those holiday "memories" you post on social media are little more than fapping fodder for that weird guy who fancies your sister. Fantasy Football is what your mind, body and soul so desperately need. Rejoice... for it is back.
Thanks for the mammaries
Your team name
Arguably the most important part, a funny team name is essential. Some simple rules:
Steer clear of oldies but goodies such as Crystal Phallus and Inter Yernan;
Anything with Mata in it is basically cheating;
You can't have "Semitic Bentekkers" because it's too clever and, more importantly, it's mine.
Transfer Targets
Whilst many believe that foreign imports such as Depay (8.5) will prove to be Fantasy gold, they are unknown quantities and often command a hefty premiums not commensurate with their potential output when one considers the difficulties even world-class players can experience acclimatising to the fast pace of the Premier League (think Di Maria recently; Veron for the more distinguished amongst y'all).
Conversely, players who have moved between Premier League clubs are better-known quantities and often provide an excellent way to shave valuable dolla off your budget as they are priced based on the prospects they would have had at their former club. Bear in mind that managers/owners wouldn't usually sign a player for big money unless they were confident he would be as or more successful than they have been at their former club. And if you think you know more about footy than Alan Pardew, you are sorely mistaken [Al, if you're reading this, the seats were a bit far back last time but cheers].
Benteke (8.5) and Sterling (9.0) are probably the most desirable in this category, both having moved into more potent attacks for a large price tag, thereby ostensibly guaranteeing game time. Defenders can also see returns from such moves - The unspellable but proven Toblerone Alderweireld has moved to the marginally less pourous Tottenham defence from Southampton and is still just 5.0m compared to their other 5.5 starters.
Likewise, the value of players who have moved from bigger clubs to smaller ones and now look set for weekly starts can be absolute bargains. Need I remind you how productive Siggy turned out to be when he returned to the Swans? Adebayor is priced at 6.0 because he was never going to start for Spurs but could well play every game under Sherwood, who brought out his Branston back when his gilet graced WHL. Suddenly Interesting James Milner (7.0) will get a lot more gametime for Looperville than he did at City and has looked tasty in pre-season. And let's not forget Bantasy fave and perennial under-achiever Connor Wickerman (6.0) - who's moved to big spenders Crystal Palace from Wear-torn Sunderland.
Emanuel was Adebayscore under Sherwood Forrest and Chris Rambo (who nails this salute incidentally)
Keep an eye out for Prem to Prem transfers even if it is just players returning from loan (e.g. Flawless Victory Moses). Berahino (6.5) could be on the move and is liquid. Little Pea Hernandez could be Oscar Mike from Old Trafford after his Bravo Sierra spell at Real Madrid and is a firecracker in the onion sack.
Must-haves
There are some players who transcend tinkerage. These are players that will invariably comprise the core of templates for all successful FPLers. Listen ye and watch this drive:
Eden Hazard -- 11.0
Even before Costa's inevitable hammy woes were announced, Eden should have been the first name on your teamsheet. The star of last season, he's clocked up 625 points in his only three seasons in the Premier League. That is simply ridiculous. The drop-off of 26 points to the next highest-scoring mid (Sanchez) makes him essential - not least as the Chilean's little 'i' has been Tangoed.
The biggest drop-offs are: between Haz and Sanch; Sanch and Silva; and Siggy and Mata. This is especially notable for Auctioneers
Theodore Walcott -- 9.0
Started as a lone striker in the Community Shield and may well displace Giroud in a decent proportion of games. Either way he'll be starring in attacking position and is an absolute snip at 9.0. Injuries are and always will be a concern with this lad but - say it with me - that's what transfers are for.
Jordan Henderson -- 7.0
Hendo shocked everyone when he so ably began to fill Stevie G's boots. He takes pens and free kicks, plays every minute and is getting better and better - unlike that bottle of Lambrini he's been "preserving" since his 18th. He'll be buoyed by the public's decision to vote him onto the FIFA 16 cover, as long as no-one tells him it was a joke.
My appeal to have Phil Jones feature without Messi was to no avail
Fool's Gold
Olive Oil Giroud -- 9.0
Dropped for the pre-season friendly against Chelsea, to say doubt has been cast on his starting berth would be like saying Liberace's fur coats cast doubt on his desire to motorboat titties backstage. Whether you're a day-dreamer Gooner and think Benzema will be helicoptered into the Emirates last-minute or you're a realist and you know he won't be, Giroud - whose points-per-game ratio is stunning enough to make him a terrific option when he does start - is too much of a risk with more sure-fire successes at 9.5 (Kane) and 8.5 (Benteke) hovering in his price range.
Defensive Defenders -- Anything above 5.0
Some people never learn. I like to consider myself some people some times and this is one of those very times. My team usually starts with the likes of Zabaleta, Baines and/or Ivanovic before I slowly but surely convince myself of shaving of 0.5m at a time before suddenly my defenders all play for Norwich, or don't start for Newcastle, or don't even have legs - At one point I was considering total back line deflation and calling my team "On All Fours".
That said, the elite goalkeepers have been dropped from 6.0 to 5.5 this year AND their BPS for saves will now be doubled, making them much better value and thereby depreciating defenders who are unlikely to score goals. The likes of Azpilicueta (6m; 3 assists last season), Koscielny (6.0; 3 goals last season); and Cahill (6.5; 1 goal, 1 assist last season) are fool's math unless you're going balls deep on defence and are rostering a top 'keeper as well.
Budget rules here and for me it makes a lot more sense to have Courtois (5.5) and a 4.0 'keeper (Hennessey could be handy if Speroni's injury concerns continue) than to plump for pricey centre-backs. Jagielka (5.5), for example, is 25% owned. That is madness considering Everton have barely strengthened at all this summer, look set to lose Stones (if not by transfer then to injury) and achieved a distinctly average 10 clean sheets last season. Spunk all your mullah on pricey centre-backs and you'll be renouncing Fantasy Football entirely. Choose wisely and you'll achieve such a deep and intimate satisfaction from your team sheet that you'll be able to move to India to take advantage of the new cheap-free broadband prices.
Bargain Bucket
Scott Sinclair (5.0) -- Aston Villa
There are 85 years to go until 2100 and yet this will still undeniably go down as the bargain of the century if it comes off. Forgotten man Sinclair, who was deemed talented enough to be signed by Chelsea and Manchester City but never quite made it at either, could be key to any success Villa might have this season. Bentekkers is gone but Adebayor has the skill to fill the gaping hole he leaves behind and will be geed up by a role as the main man. The cut-price Agbonlahor (5.0), who himself demonstrates a good punt, could also come good as a scoring outlet. If the stars aline just right, he can cement a starting berth and can replicate an iota of the form that saw him plant a stunning hat-trick against Nottingham Forrest, beam me up Scotty. Eagles
Not "The Eagles". That would be silly. But for serious they have brought in some absolute quality this summer - Cabaye (6.5), Bamford (6.0) and Wickerman (6.0) add to an already talented attack including Bolasie (6.0), Puncheon (6.0) and Zaha (5.5). Oh and the eminently rubbish Chamakh (5.0), who makes them all look just terrific. Pick of the bunch could be Mile Jedinak at 5.0 and just 1.8% ownership. He takes pens and set pieces and has technical abilities matched only by the magnificence of his beard. One need only google his name for a reminder of his defining characteristic; the most important thing about his game.
When you see it...
Matt Ritchie (6.0) -- Bournemouth
Lionel Richie (without the 't') lit up Glasto this year. This Scotch Bonnet just got promoted and bagged 15 goals and 17 assists last season. Coincidence? Almost certainly. But that doesn't mean he's not worth considering. He's popping up in a lot of intelligent people's teams and if life's taught me anything, it's to copy and paste thinking men as much as is legally permissible. Personally he's a little pricey for my taste but Bournemouth's kind opening schedule and attacking mindset has justifiably led 4.4% of Fantasy managers to include him. If you're scrounging but still fancy picking a Cherry, take a punt on Chelsea loanee Christian Atsu at 5.5 - he's a talented young thing with international experience.
