Remember when you were at school and you'd spend loads of time revising for an exam and go in confident as a lion on coke, only to get entirely flummoxed by every single question and fluff the whole thing? Nah, me neither - but I'm reliably informed it doesn't feel very good and I can only imagine it's a similar feeling to what most Fantasy Football managers are feeling right now.
An average of 34 points is just the introduction of the horror story: The red card for Courtois caught out more than one in five FPL coaches; captaining Hazard yielded fewer points than a satanic star; and Yaya Toure, whom most experts were so sure would fade into cakeless obscurity, went all Yolo Toure on us with a 16-point behemoth of a Baggie-bashing.
Fear not - Bantasy Football is here to rescue you from your hurt feels with sage advice and silly memes. First up is our ritual don't panic round, calmly entitled:
Keep Calm and Keep Courtois
Keep Courtois and Courtois will 'keep [for] you. He was never going to get you a clean sheet against City anyway so don't worry about it. Play your back up and 'keep the faith. You knew choosing him over Cech was going to have a rocky start so stick with it.
I will shop for you
Don't Press the Big Red Wildcard Button Yet
It's so tempting to switch your style up right now isn't it? Now you know all about who's starting and who's scoring? But plot twist: You don't. It was the first weekend of the season and wasn't it exciting? But lots of players are still knackered from their summer jaunts or just generally unfit and the transfer window isn't even close to Jim Whiting shut. Use your free transfer if you have to but you'd be better off saving up for the double next week. We'll have a clearer picture of starters and bandwagons the further into the season we get. And let's not forget that two of the three most-prized ponies (Sanchez and Aguero) still aren't fully fit yet.
Be cool like this polar bear's temperature, not it's impromptu dance moves
Captain Marvel
Diafra Sakho (6.5) -- West Ham v LEI (H)
Confucius once said: "If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake." Well I have it on good authority that his FPL team was dogshite and that he once captained Kevin Nolan, but I'm still inclined to agree. Hazard was the best player on the pitch against Swansea but City will be a tough test (even if they were flattered by a village Condoms (Baggies) side). You're better off playing the fixtures and going with the main Hammer against a leaky gung-ho Leicester. Whilst he scored an egg against the Gunners, Sakho has been the focal point of the Wham attack since his arrival and has a phenom goals-to-games ratio.
It's good but it's not right
Buy Low
Joseph Gomez (4.5) -- Liverpool v BOU (H)
Young Joey has seemingly pipped £12m Moreno to Liverpool's left-back spot and an assist as well as 3 Bonus Points and a clean sheet richly rewarded those who took a risk by selecting him. It's hard to see how the useful attacking flair of Moreno will stay benched all season but for 4.5, Gomez is an excellent option for defensive Reds coverage if you have a relatively well-rounded defence.
Relevance: soft to very soft
Sell High
Theo Walcott 9.0 -- Arsenal v CRY (A)
As alluded to above, I won't be making any wholesale changes just yet; the glue is yet to set. But if you like your Fantasy players to start every game, as well you might, I should avoid Theo, lest you be sat before your telly with your magnifying glass out, thumb up your arse, desperately searching for Wally. As it stands, the cheaper options of Ozil (8.5), Cazorla (8.5) and even Oxlaid Chambermaid (6.0) look more likely to start. It could well be a weekly fight between Waldo and Girude to see who starts up top until they both inevitably get injured - probably at the same time.
Fool's Gold
Sergio Romero (5.0) -- MUN v AVL (A)
It's tempting to dive into the Argentine beefcake that is Sergio Romero given the steel Italian import Darmian (5.6) and a rejuvinated Chris Smalling (6.0) have ostensibly given to the Red Devils' back line but DDG may well be back in LVG's plans ASAP - certainly if he can't organise preferable goalie swapsies before the end of August. Whatever the happy hap, Romero's unlikely to remain United 'keeper for long and, as such, isn't a great long-term replacement.
Van Gaal will hope any GK swaps go better than this
Yohan Cabaye (6.5) -- Crystal Palace v ARS (H)
Moderately-price midfielders ran the show in GW 1 with the likes of Andre Ayew (7.0), Riyad Mahrez (5.6) and Ross Barkley (6.5) coming up trumps (We Brits may have to re-think this phrase in the light of what's going on across the pond). It was Fantasy starlet Yohan Cabaye, though, who proved so many right when he brought home le bacon for Palace. Je t'aime the new-look Eagles - they've made some cracking signings and now have a legitimately fearsome attack, with Chelsea's much-touted Patrick Bamford and our man Connor Wickerman (6.0) still to properly feature, but it's impossible to tell who will be the most valuable Fantasy player (MFVP - let's make it a thing) - and unlike in the Arsenal dilemma, there's no absolute need to have Palace coverage. Cabaye looked good but only had two shots overall and one touch in the box. Puncheon (6.0) was actually considered the best playeron the field by Pardew despite only contributing an assist and Bolasie (6.5) is probably their player with the most pace, attacking flair and raw talent.
Crucially, however, the reason I didn't put any Palace players in initially, and the reason they should still be avoided, is their horrendous fixture list after a soft Norwich opener. They now face a pissed-off Arsenal side before Sherwood's resurgent Villa (who by then may have the majesty of Adebayscore amongst their number) and will then get ritually battered by Chelsea (A), Man City (H) and Spurs (A). They look good for goals so it's not a total punt but there's something unbearably inevitable about putting in players who have to go up against that many top teams in quick succession.
Punt of the Century
Jesus Navas (6.5) -- Manchester City v CHE (H)
As a misogynistic commentator once said, "If you don't buy a ticket, you don't win the raffle". This season marks the third coming of Jesus Navas (6.5). In each of his last two campaigns he has proved a useful, if bit-part player in City's star-studded attack. He's not guaranteed a start every week - in fact he's almost guaranteed not to start every week - and the seemingly imminent arrival of £Gazillion signing Kevin De Bruyne will invariably shave minutes of his clock [insert manscaping joke here] but he's buys and sells pace for a healthy profit and could be an absolute bargain if he puts a decent run of games together.
Spot of the Week
When you spent a whole "romantic" weekend fiddling with your fantasy team and you couldn't even score 30 points...
