You saw Kane's rampage coming a mile off. You remember the days when Petrov ruled all. You think you know Fantasy Football. You do not. Soz. The best way to Fantasy Football is an Auction. It's the only way to the prevent the samey templatey season conclusions that cockblock bouncebackability and incentivise drop-outs from your loser mates. An Auction means everyone builds their own team from scratch with a designated budget. It demands both long and short-term tactical awareness and a deeper knowledge of the Premier League. There is only one Siggy IRL so why should there be 6 million in Fantasy?
Fantasies are better when they're realistic
Auction Night
The Auction Night itself is the best excuse you could ever give your other half to get all your mates round, drink excessively the appropriate amount and chinwag about Fantasy Football until your Mertesackers fall off. Upgrade your bandwith, stock up your fridge and prepare for the best and least sweaty way that you and seven of your best friends can spend a night in a confined space.
The Website
Orchestrating your own auction using FPL is a total bore. Luckily our friends at FantasyLeaguehave you covered. A bespoke Auction site, they tailor the auction you want specifically to your desires: Budgets; Squad size; Limits of how many of each club are allowed and more can all be customised to your own specifications.
Weekly Bants
Fantasy League also allows for sealed bids - a super sneaky way to Wolf of Wall Street your mates every Saturday morning by utilising your leftover funds in a weekly blind auction for the players who weren't snapped up during the original bidding process.
Do not underestimate the sneakiness
Prepare for group whatssaps such as:
"Can't believe Welbeck was still out there. Suckaaaas";
"Which dickshaft outbid me on Jordan Henderson?!"; and
"I can't believe you bid £5m for that useless arsehat Paulinho."
The actual banter is left up to you of course. It's the framework provided which is so eminently appreciable.
The Forfeits
There will be prizes for the winners obviously - and FantasyLeagueprovides its own custom trophies (sent out at season end) - as well as a larvely season review - but the forfeits are the true piece de resistance as far as I'm concerned - they provide oh so much schadenfreude. Again these are left to your own devices but the endless possibilities include an enforced facebook profile picture of the winner's choice and an embarassing and/or phallus shaped trophy (think The Sacko from The League).
America: Fuck Yeah
Too Late?
It's never too late to have a good time. Just ask this guy:
The organisers of the Premier League being just such jokers, they make the deadline for finalising squads over a month after the season's begun. The end of July is therefore the perfect time to host your Auction Night if you can't quite fashion one this weekend.
So take our word for it and do Fantasy right. Trea. Cho. Self.
