The international break is breaking my baaalllzz. Watching England winning their 500th qualifying game in a row for zero bantasy points doesn't do it for me. It's very difficult to care when it has absolutely no bearing on how we perform in the actual tournament, and, you know... there are no bonus points involved.
There was that thing that happened before though, I can't quite remember what it was, they didn't really talk about it on Sky Sports News at all... was it McDonald's day?
Yes, that was it.
...
...
...
OH NO WAIT!
IT WAS JIM WHITE DAY!
Easy to forget though, eh, Arsene?
All the Arsenal fans at work be like...
Well, hold onto your hats, because this is a story that is developing all the time, even though the clock IS ticking, and my goodness me, we have some sensational breaking news about who may have jumped into a 'chopper and put pen to paper before the window slammed shut that just might result... in some bantasy magic.
Helicopter Heroes:
Gareth Bale, Thomas Muller, Cristiano Ronaldo... Anthony Martial (£8.0m)
What do we know about him?
He's played 3 professional football games ever
He was the star of 90s TV show Martial Law
He wasn't a panic buy
Definitely not a panic buy
Seriously, we have a plan...
A "ridiculous" plan is still a plan...
Some Mission Impossible shit right there
Kevin de Bruyne (£10m)
What do we know about him?
He tore it up for Chelsea (naaaaaat)
He tore it for Wolfsburg
He's 4th in line to the throne
Heung-min Son (£???)
What do we know about him?
Errrrrr...
Joking aside, don't be a wise guy (like the 700+ jokers who have already selected HMS South Korea) and put any of these new signings in your team straight away. They might not start, they may not be good, and if they start and are good then you can just put them in next week.
Ed Woodward on official transfer bizznizz
Buy Low: Andre Ayew (£7.2m) v. WAT (a)
Both buy lows have something in common, they were signed for free in the summer. For free. As in no money. As in £120m odd less than the three players above. Andre's got giant points already, sitting joint second for midfielders, with 3 goals and 1 assist in his opening 4 games including goals against Chelsea and Man U. With Watford, Everton & Southampton coming up, he should be a permanent fixture in your team for now.
Bakary Sako (£5.5m) v. MCY (h)
Bossed it in the Championship last year for Wolves scoring 15 goals from midfield. Alan Pardew said he was very surprised nobody else was really in for him in the close season. He's started the last two games and scored in both. Yohan Cab-who? Said Joe Kinnear, in all seriousness. A tricky tie at home to Man City awaits in GW4, but for £5.5 he's got to be worth a shout for in-form Crystal Penis. Basically, free shit can be good.
Seems legit
Sell High Clyne (£5.5m) v. MNU (a); Hazard (£11.4), Fabregas £8.8m v. EVE (a)
Clyne is the most selected player in the game. Surely it's time to get rid? Liverpool haven't clicked yet, are going to Old Trafford this week and there are other similarly priced options out there like Kolarov.
Hazard is the fourth highest selected player. You've got to think he'll come good soon, but can you wait a few more weeks when he's priced at £11.4m and falling?
Fannybras has less form than Peter Kay doing ballet - he's Phoenix Shite. With Pedro arriving and the pressure building on Jose, it would be nutcrackers to keep him in. One to Watch Jermain Jermaine Jeremaine Lens (£6.5m) v. TOT (h)
The man best known for the unexpected number of 'e's in his name nailed three assists in his opening three before scoring last gameweek. He's playing in an attacking role for Sunderland, sure, he's not that cheap, sure, but he's going under the radar a bit at the moment.
That's way too many 'e's
Fool's Gold
Dusan Tadic (£6.9m) v. WBA (a)
5% brilliant, 5% breathtaking, 90%... Dusan Tadic. FPL is all about the balance between value, likelihood to play, and consistency of point scoring. This guy's a Tadic you shouldn't scratch. Picture of the week
