The Premier League is village. This is the consensus of everyone because it is true. The Prem is in danger of losing its fourth Champions League spot to the scintillating Serie A; where did it all go wrong? It started with Man Shitty pumping billions into a club with no European coefficient to speak of, resulting in dreadful seeding, compounded by inexplicably piss-poor performances. There's no excusing Arsenal and Chelsea's dire showings, however, so how can we prove that the Prem really is the best spot on earth? That's right - by giving us a boatload of goals this weekend in what will inevitably be a showpiece Fantasy Football weekend in which I finally breach that somehow illusive 50-point barrier. It's gonna happen. It has to happen. Unless FIFA's impending implosion cancels football. That could be a thing.
Mugatu is a right touch
Buy Low
Saido Berahino (6.2) -- West Brom v. CPA (A)
Spearheading my campaign to no longer be shite at Fantasy Football will be this little guy. Having rather publicly missed out on his desired move to White Hart Lane in the sunny months, the Midlands' most talented troublemaker is back in the starting XI and has two goals in his last two games. He's a proven scorer, the best player on his team by some yardage and has upcoming fixtures even Costa could score in. It's enough to make me want to ask him 'round to watch Netflix and Chill. And Holy Moly - he costs how much!? Dios mio.
Sell High
Sergio Aguero (13.1) -- Man City v. NEW (H)
Did you read that correctly? You did indeed. Dare I say it? Kun's got one goal this season. He's only missed two starts and he costs more than a moderately-sized Luxembourgian settlement. It's just not good enough. Sure he'll come good eventually and score eleven goals in one half but he's also missing sitters (see v.s. Munching Gluten-Free Gladrags on Wednesday). There's also every chance his hamstring will snap in seven during training and you'll need to find a replacement anyway. With Rooney rubbish and Costa both suspended and under-performing you could either take a punt on Spaniel Sturridge (though Rodgers has confirmed he's going to wrap him in kiddy cotton gloves) or go for a double dip and upgrade elsewhere. It's a big move but someone's gotta do it.
Jedi's got mad big moves
Fool's Gold
Romelu Lukaku (8.2) -- Everton v. LIV (H)
I'm well aware that I neg on Lukakkers every week. I'm also well aware that I've thus far been wrong. And there are usually goals in the Merseyside derby. And no-one's going to dump a player on the back of a game-winning 16-point performance. But I just want it on the record that I reckon there are better options out there. A game against the staunch defence of Man Utd and a trip to the Emirates follow after this weekend and I therefore can't see Romelu bagging more than a goal over the next three weeks. With Martial (8.4) and Pelle (8.0) in the same price bracket, just make sure you don't get fooled by that standout points score and try to chase what won't be there in the coming gameweeks.
Typical accuracy from Fox News
Sit tight
Joe Hart (5.6) -- Man City v. NEW (H)
Miley's Dad (mega props for anyone who can figure that one out) missed out in the thrashing by Spurs due to injury but was back midweek to pull off a corking pelanty save as well as at least three other worldies. Don't do anything foolish - he's probably the best Fantasy 'keeper there is. Also swapping goalies in Bantasy is like deciding to do a software update - put it off until the last possible second/your laptop is so buggered it thinks facebook isn't working*.
