Copious second helpings of double pork and fermented grapes has combined with an exceptionally sedentary spell in my life to wreak havoc with my sense of time, perception and self-worth; but at some point over the last indeterminable period, two whole gameweeks happened, twenty BPL matches were played and I realised that, when it really comes down to it, the choice between another pig in blanket and several dozen further pigs in blankets is no choice at all. To assuage my crescendo of carborific hangovers were the vindicatory performances of Haroldo Kane, Adam 'The Economaster' Smith and Ashley 'My friends call me Ashley' Williams, to name but a few. Here's hoping you took our advice and enlisted Mesut-eyed-Oezil, hung on to KDB (when the crowd say "boo", select him) and avoided Phillipp Wellshite altogether. This Gameweek, as the rotations continue, we ring in the new year with some prime picks and banging bargains.
Captain Marvel
Mesut Oezil (10.0) -- Arsenal | NEW (H) v.s. Romelu Lukaku (9.3) -- Everton | TOT (H)
Mr assister requires no introduction. Newcastle's propensity to concede is also infamous. With City away to tricky Watford and Spurs (Kane) at the sticky Toffees, Oezil is our front-runner for the armband. That said, you might be tempted to entrust Rommy Lukakucakes. He's up against a relatively stingy Spurs defence but they were at sea against Igalho on Monday and Everton - the third highest scorers in the league - have been smashing them in recently.
Lukaku: Smashing
Buy Low
Shaqiri Shaqiri (6.6) -- Stoke | WBA (A)
Shaqiri2 doubled up last Gameweek in the 4-3 thriller against Everton. Whilst Arnautavic - another great option - is 0.2 cheaper, on pelanty duty and a nailed on starter, the sheer quality of the former Bayern stud and his ability to come up big and grab the BPs by the Bs places him top of our bargain shopping list. His next four fixtures are decent, although fixtures seem increasingly meaningless unless you're playing, say, Norwich at home, which he will next week.
Always trust a man with calves this bulbous. Swiss please!
Theo Walcott (8.4) -- Arsenal | NEW (H)
Wally's always a rotation risk but this is mitigated by Arsenal's injury crisis and the Brucey bonus that he's often employed further upfield than most mids. He could even be a cheeky differential captain pick this week against a weak sauce Newcastle side. Then again, having Walcock in your side there's always a chance you'll end up wondering what the hell you were thinking, where you are, what your name is and how you could ever have been such an incredible boob.
Say "Bye"
Apart from Hazard, whom you should really have dumped weeks ago, the premium players have largely been earning their prices in recent weeks so this week we're jettisoning the 'Sell High' section to hone in on some overrated medium-priced players.
Andre Ayew (6.9) -- Swansea | MUN (H)
The Swans have only scored two in their last six games and Ayew had nothing to do with either of them. What's worse, he didn't play a single minute against Palace, possibly due to his shithouse recent performances. This week Swansea travel to Old Trafford, where one-man-army Dave Of Gea has kept a clean sheet in five of United's last six BPL matches. Ayew started so well but it's time to cut your losses and make some tough easy decisions.
Fool's Gold
Scott Dann (5.7) -- Crystal Palace | CHE (H)
Dann's been on a bit of a tear recently. Whilst he's only accrued one BP in the last five, Palace's run of cleanies has helped him stack up 29 points - more than Rosstifer Barkley has notched in the same time. But Palace's upcoming fixtures are significantly different to their most recent ones - Cheski, Aston Village, Man Shitty and Spuds await. Their defence will crack. If you're desperate to jump aboard the Pardew pontoon, go for old Bantasy favourite Joel Ward (4.4) and save yourself 1.3m in the process. Thank me next year when you can afford to pay your Fantasy taxes.
