Two quick-fire rounds next week, but who will be the sharp shooters bringing you home more delicious crispy juicy streaky melt-in-the-mouth point bacon of Lord Porkington of Bacon Manor, returning from Baconfest (yeah it's a thing), with very much a bacon-based agenda? Conversely, who will be delivering the unsatisfying anti-bacon picked up in the Linda McCartney Quorn aisle in Tesco Metro, as might be endorsed dispassionately but believably by Mo Farah? Nicht nicht my friend, that's not bacon, it's facon!
Yes, sexy bacon
Facon: 0/10 - would not fork
Just like bacon is the traditional star of any meal, welcomed onto any plate with open arms, ushered into people's homes and hearts, and told to stay on the couch for as long as it wants, so too were Yaya Toure, Sergio Aguero, Alexis Sanchez (expected back for the Stoke game) and Diego Costa integral parts of our fantasy football teams in a sepia-tinted, pre-instagram golden era for the quondam big guns of the Premier League. But just like everyone's favourite porcine treat; they were streaky, and now they're back.
Irony
Captain Hamtastic
Sergio Aguero (£13.1m) vs. Everton (h) & Crystal Penis (h)
Like taking a gun to a knife fight, it's hard to look beyond the purportedly cartoony Argentine for captaincy this week. He fried up a mint header and a scorching three bonus points last GW, and scored and assisted in the FA cup, Everton are shonky as eff at the back, and City are great at home. It all points towards a good haul at the Etihad. He's more expensive than Macaulay Culkin's psychiatrist, but it would be a gamble not to include a man this potentially dangerous.
Yaya Toure (£8.7m) vs. Everton (h) & Crystal Penis (h)
His royal cake-ness may not be everyone's cup of tea, especially after his atrocious behaviour this weekend at the African player of the year awards, where his churlish reaction to not winning the main award has surprised was completely in-line with what we now expect from Kanye Toure. You can't argue with his class on the pitch though, being the most in-form fantasy player at the moment. He was poor against Everton last week in the cup, but he may be serving out some revenge this GW.
Just doesn't get it
Buy Anyway
Diego Costa (£10.7m) vs. West Bum (h), Everton (h)
Someone has to score the goals for resurgent Chelsea, right? With Reg Vardy and Lukakucakes nursing injuries, it could be time to shake up your front three. If you can't afford Aguero, or perhaps want a bit of differential, Diego could be the man for you. He's scored 22 points in his last two games (for which he wasn't suspended), and Chelsea have relatively easy games at home, in which I expect Guus Hiddink to goose the opposition. Tony Penis gon' get goosed! Lovely.
NB: Never actually goose Tony Penis
Buy low
Dele Alli (£5.4m) vs. Leicester (h) & Sunderland (h)
Go to a good Dele for all your fave porcine produce. Playing in an advanced borderline-centre-forward role for Spuds, he's looked class and will only soar in value. You have to fancy him in these two home games; as long as he and Harry Kane stay fit, they'll create chances. A steady low-priced option with optional flare against Everton attached.
Buy low/fool's gold
Will.i.an (£7.1m) vs. West Bum (h), Everton (h)
I know this is meant to be advice but this could go either way. He's been Chelsea's best player all season, but he's consistently failed to return a proper good points tally. Now that the Blues look like a decent team again, will he continue to shine or will he be dulled by the more established fantasy stars? Hazard's absence could help him, but Oscar tends to play the more central role and could be the better pick. Will could be a strong, mid-low-priced differential. Or he could be pants.
This picture: As relevant as it is appropriate
Sell high
Jamie 'Reg' Vardy & Romelu Lukakucakes (various prices; various opponents - what am I, your mother?)
What?! I hear you cry, but with so many other decent options coming to the fore (Kane, Aguero, Costa) you may have to sacrifice at least one of these two. It's unlikely that they'll be able to continue their form, and they are both injury doubts. It could be too soon, but the tides feel like they are changing. Don't hold onto them longer that you should because they've been good servants. If you truly love something, let it go.
Seriously though, there was room for two on that door
