Like MJ's 'This is it' tour of whenever it was supposed to be, the mere prospect of GW 30 might be terminal for some, given the virulent dearth of actual footy being played and the consequent gaping holes that will be marring many a fantasy team's production this weekend. When a door closes, though, so opens a window (just ask opportunist supreme Joe Zay Mourinyo). Mickey-J passed away in 2009 - the same year in which Justin Bieber released his first EP. Coincidence? Yes. But that little triple threat has been making it rain ever since. So don't see this Gameweek as a challenge - see it as an opportunity. This is your chance to be the new King of Pop, or at the very least go from fourth to third in your mini-league.
FA Cup My Balls
Just a friendly reminder that Arsenal fans have one more thing to whinge about this week - their destruction of team Flamingo Land (AKA Dull City) means they "progress" to the QF of the Foot' Ass' cup. Here's hoping you were a pre-prepared parrot and got all your machine-washable-only ducks inside for the rainy day that is GameWeak30. If not, I hope your pull out game is strong. You might even need to yank out Ozil, Sanchez or Monreal just in time.
Captain Marvel
#AlwaysCaptainKun Aguero (13.1) -- Man City | NOR (A)
This week's captain choice makes itself. Fresh off an 22-pointer, the only blemish on which was that it could have been a thirty-burger had it not been for the duffed pen, Aguero faces one of the shoddiest defences in Premier League football, albeit away. So instead of worrying about whom you're going to skipper this weekend, why not play a delightfully cathartic - and equally simple - game of puppy or bagel?
Not to scale
Buy Now
WARNING - YOLO TOURE IS NOW INJURED. FEEL FREE TO SOAK IN THE FUNNIES BUT PLEASE DON'T TAKE THE ADVICE Yaya Toure (8.5) -- Man City | NOR (A) My main criteria for players to bring in this week are that they:
Have a game in hand; and
Have a fixture in GW30.
Not too complex, you might think - but the Citizens (wankest nickname ever?) are the only decent team to fit the bill. Yolo Toure scored his first in an epoc on the weekend. He also scored in the reverse of the upcoming fixture against Norwich, who are as organised at the back as a substitute teacher-driven all-boy school minibus on a Friday when everyone's had an extra Wagon Wheel, the new Mariokart's about to come out, Sebastien just tried coffee for the first time and John's fighting with Martin because Ryan took his compass to put on Russell's chair as he sat down. Yeh. Imagine how many goals Aguero and Toure could score against that schoolbus, irrespective of whether it was parked or cheesing its way to Championship City. Then add in the wondrous prospect of a double gameweek at some indiscriminate point in the future and consider that Toure is cheaper and scores more points per game than David Silva. Decision made.
Organisation: Important stuff
Sell Sly
We're now deep into tactical territory. It's not just about who's in form and who's picked up a knock. It's not even necessarily about the fixtures teams have (or don't have) this week. It's look ahead o'clock. Don't sell players who have double gameweeks aplenty coming up unless you absolutely have to (e.g. Lukaku, Firmino) in order to field a full lineup this week. Remember: 9/10 ain't bad but 9/11... well... Bush did 9/11.
Fool's Gold
Dimitri Payet (8.3) -- Wham | BLANK
DP's getting mad attention with 33,000 transfers in and counting this gameweek. He doesn't play this gameweek... He doesn't play in GW35... and between now and then he has to play Chelsea and Arsenal. Don't get me wrong - selling someone as scintillating as Payet would be a strong move - but bringing him in right now is Japan gameshow-level insanity.
Pic of the Week
Chelsea have opened a merchandise store commemorating their 2015/16 season:
