You did it! You made it through the Gameweek Of Doom, probably disappointed by those subs that finally got a chance to play in your team! What next then? Well the eagle eyed cherries among you will have noticed that GW34 is the Big Kahuna Burger we've all been waiting for. If you have haven't looked yet, go and check now...
... Kapow! 15 fixtures... in one GW! Exciting, but that's literally weeks away. There's another double GW in week 37 too, which will not literally be poop-your-pants exciting, but figuratively. Still pretty effing exciting though. Enough about that though, you're going to have to wait for that shit.
Here's some advice for now.
Captain Marvel
Gylfi Sigurdsson (7.3) - Swansea vs. Aston Village (h)
Say waaaaa girlfrieeeeend?!
Wait, this just in, Aston Village are... unbelievably bad! They've lost five games on the bounce conceding over three goals per game on average. Last week Hurrikane made it rain and this week Siggy's gonna turn on the pain for fans of the Vanilla. Swansea will be pumped for this one; they have 33 points on the board already and winning this will almost certainly make them safe. Siggy has two in two, and the Swans still have that new manager bounce. Even though nobody knows who he is. See, you don't.
Swansea's new manager rules with an iron fist
Not buying it?
Well then, it's back down to the choice of HurriKane (10.3) or #AlwaysCaptainKun Aguero (13.6). Neither have a banker fixture. Aguero has the derby, and although United will have played UEFA Cup against Liverpool, everyone knows that anything can happen on derby day.Spuds, also in UEFA action, have Born-mouth, who have been in great form recently too, having won three on the trot. Given Kane didn't start the Dortmund game, he's your best bet.
So... you could do that, be lame and get four points, or you could use your balls and choose Siggy.
Crow always went for renegade captain options to go with his poor life choices
Buy Low
Aaron Lennon (5.6) - Everton vs. The Arse (h)
It ain't easy being A. Leezy, or maybe it is? I can't remember. He didn't look happy when he signed for Everton, I do remember that...
Don't look for too long, or you'll get sad face too
Sad or no sad, he's doing the business on the pitch at the moment. Five consecutive starts have yielded four goals and an assist. He's cheaper than Barkley by £1.5m and offers a differential with just 0.7% ownership. Everton are up against The Arse this weekend, who have an unfavourable Saturday lunchtime kickoff after playing (and losing heavy) on the massive Barcelona pitch on Wednesday night. My money would be on a win for the blues, with Big Rom Lukakucakes (8.8) and A Lizzle picking up the points.
Up the Arse! Happy St Patrick's Day!
Sell High
Mesut Ozil - The Arse (9.8) vs. Everton
The Arse have taken a pounding recently (tee hee). Defeats in the FA Cup, Champions League, and no wins in three in the prem have left them in a state only comparable to... well... themselves in recent years. Sure, with no more distractions they might turn it around and win the league, but you gots to call 'em as you sees 'em. Mesut has been a consistent performer, but the team is struggling to score goals, and his points are suffering as a result. You can't assist if everyone keeps missing. Sell high now before his price drops further - it's already gone down by 0.2 at time of writing. Time to bring in Big Bob Firm-in-my-pants-oh! (Looperville, 8.2) who is cracking out over 10 points per game on current form, and has double double GWs coming.
Fool's Gold
Steve Cook (4.3) - Bourne-mouth vs. TossDem HotSpuds (a)
I mean, I shouldn't have to tell you not to put Steve Cook in your team really. But I will. He's the embodiment of the kind of Championship player that shouldn't cut it in the Prem. He shouldn't be anywhere near the team, but long term injuries to captain Tommy Elphick and 'he can move when he has to' Tyrone Mings (although he actually can't because of serious knee damage) have seen him play almost every game. Two things though:
(1) Spurs and Man City are his next two games, and if you want a defender from Jason Bourne-mouth then go for Daniels (5.0) who racks up for more points and takes pens.
(2) If you put Steve Cook in your team you might as well go home and watch Ratatouille.
Baby Godfather strikes again!
Puntsville USA
Michail Antonio (5.4) - Wham vs. Chelski (a)
Michail (thanks, mum and dad) Antonio's last three games: 1-0 win against Sunderland, scores winner gets 3 bps. 1-0 win against HotSpuds, scores winner gets 3 bps. 3-2 win against Everton, scores goal to ignite comeback. This guy is so hot right now it's like Hansel has just beat Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson at beach volleyball whilst eating a vindaloo. I'M HOT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT! Described as 'the thinking man's Payet' by nobody, he's on better form right now, costs 2.8 less, and is only owned by 3.6% of players. On the other hand, they are away at Chelski, who have been good of late, although don't have much to play for apart from tarnishing the Irons' dreams of Champions League qualification. Juicy. Puntsville.
