It’s difficult to write an article that will appeal to the masses at this stage of the season. I’ve been putting some thought into it and have been able to broadly categorise the active FPL players into 4 groups:
(1) The Jim ‘warm apple pie’ Levenstein
You bust your nut too soon, played your wildcard (WC) pre-April and quaffed all your chips like a greedy Gus. You were top of your mini-league way before it mattered and now you're just watching the glory slip through your greasy chip-soaked fingers. #SorryNotSorry
(2) The Last-minute Flopper
You managed to perform for a sub-standard, yet acceptable, length of time. You played one or two chips earlier in the year when you couldn't quite anticipate how they could be of greater value later in the season, and you played your wildcard last GW. You even may have played your WC during the international break.
This is a great idea if your FPL addiction, like mine, is chronic, inflammatory and pernicious. Symptoms include bouts of depression during international breaks, Lukakucakes-induced vomiting and minimal-provocation smartphone abuse. Activating the WC will allow you to change your team hundreds of times a day thereby temporarily alleviating any withdrawal symptoms until the real (fantasy) action re-starts.
Boozer's flop
(3) The Unlucky Break
You waited till just the right moment - Your lady-friend is loving it, you're loving it, you're hitting your vinegar strokes, and then you feel the untimely rip of the Johnnie... You’re not ready to be a baby-daddy - should you just play it safe and make like a post-relegation Newcastle player? Whoops. Too late. You literally fucked it.
That analogy (for those that didn’t follow) is for all those who are currently using their WC or used It last GW and have both your Bench Boost (BB) and Triple Captain (TC) (Time Child). You’ve seemingly done everything right. Only for everything to go tits up at the last minute.
(4) The Top-knot Wanker
You’re one of those hipsters saving your wildcard for GW36 ahead of DGW 37. Have fun with that. Enjoy yourself.
This week we will be primarily discussing those in camps 2 & 3. Many will be sitting at their desks, scratching their heads as they calculate the points their pre-WC team would have scored last week. Vardy, Ali, Alderweireld and even Kun all came in with big scores and many will have dumped them to stock up with double trouble players with a view to playing bench boost and fielding 15 players with 2 games this week. Admit it, you were drooling over the points you would score, how everyone would finally give you that respect you’ve so dearly craved once you broke that 200-point barrier.
It really sank in when I read the recent nominations for the PFA player and young player of the year awards. I saw the shortlist and realised I’d just dumped three quarters of those players out of my team. Is it madness? Or genius?
I thought it was genius. But I’m no longer convinced.
Hindsight = 20/20
The "obvious" strategy was to fill your team with Arsenal, Liverpool and Man City players as they play twice this week and have no blank in GW35. Gabriel looked a great shout at £4.3 mill and he went straight in the teams of many after finally starting a string of games and looking nailed on 'til the end of the season. But then there came this shocker against West Ham where he, Ospina and co. allowed Andy Carroll (not a typo) to score a hat-trick. I’d like to know if anyone even had him in one of their 1,000 WC drafts. Mad Propz if you did.
Arse
Gabriel disastros aside, Arsenal should provide some safe options this week and the trio of Ozil, Bellerin and Alexis look safe bets as the Glooners chase Lesta and Spuds. You could also take a punt on Iwobi. But if Wenger can leave a fit Petr Sesssh (as Thierry Henry calls him) on the bench and start Ospina when they’re chasing what would, if not for the mathematical issues which have recently come to the fore, have been their best shot at a league title for years, who knows what he’ll do when it comes to picking his Xi over the next 2 matches?
Looperville
Best to wait until after their match against Dortmund before making any final decisions here but… provisionally...
Fact: Sturridge has the potential to be explosive.
Fact: Sturridge is as likely to get injured as he is to be explosive.
Fact: in 30 years-time, no one will remember Sturridge for his goals or the trophies he’s not won. We will remember him for his douchebag celebration... unless he starts both games this week and scores two hat-tricks, in which case anyone who had the balls to TC him will remember him for that moment. For the rest of us, however, his epitaph will be this:
Avoid Liverpool defenders, however. Moreno has finally popped up with some points so you could take a punt on him but it was only his second goal of the season and he's a slight rotation threat. Mignolet is a decent shout in goal between now and the end of the season with two DGWs and no blanks, but there are cheaper options in Robles (£4.3 mil – Everton) and my personal hero of the week Wayne Hennessey who more than doubled the score of consistently inconsistent Lukaku, who even with 2 games and the armband this week could only muster up a pathetic 8 points.
Fimino or Coutinho? Brazilians Brazilians. Pick the one you think will play the most minutes and score you the most points. Or just fuck it and pick both. Don’t come crying back to me when they’re both rested in the Prem if Liverpool finish the job against Dortmund tonight.
Manchester Shitty
Exercise EXTREME caution when selecting your DGW players. There will be rotation aplenty at England’s last two European survivors. The return of KDB came out of the sky blue and he’s picked up right where he left off smashing in the goals everywhere he goes. But the big decision for many will be around Sergio Aguero.
Kun went down under a heavy tackle on Tuesday night and the stretcher came out. Injuries always a worry. Is he worth keeping? Will he get minutes in the Premier League? If you’re not going to captain him, then he’s not worth owning, and I’d be too worried about him making cameo appearances here and there to captain him whilst City remain in the CL.
Still, he’s Kun, and there are plenty of solid, cheap options at the moment to balance your team out (Origi, Iwobi, Lingard, Rashford) so if you can afford him, keep him.
Chips
Since GW1 when I first gazed upon those mysterious new chips, I always assumed I was waiting for the inevitable Man City DGW to use this chip and captain Kun, but to my own utter disbelief there ain’t a chance in hell of this happening. His form is only average, others have better fixtures, but most importantly, I’m concerned he’ll play no more than 90 minutes across two matches.
Those planning a bench boost this week may now consider holding onto that chip till GW37 and use this week to Triple Captain Sanchez or Ozil. They have decent fixtures, and, barring injury or some classic Wenger-bants who, let’s say, decides to drop Ospina and stick one of these two in nets, these two are capable of scoring big and likely to play two full games against shite opposition, thereby making them Grade A TC material. Payet is a decent alternative, or possibly a Liverpool forward if they’re out of the Europa League by then and look to be guaranteed game-time.
Puntsville
Have some differentials to help you overtake the leader of your mini-league:
Samir Nasri
Not even included in their CL squad so should see lots of action. Just coming back from injury which is the only concern. Dyed his hair yellow like I did when I was 12. It was fucking cool then, but newsflash Sammy, that was the 90s, when you could get away with anything.
Yaya Toure
Big, lazy and enviably rich but an incredible footballer when he’s in the mood. Likely to be sold this summer so might see him up his game to get one last contract, probably in China.
Andy Carroll
He just scored a hat-trick. Three West Hammers are essential after their blank in GW35. Gamble now or wait a few games and see if he hasn’t picked up another injury. Out of the FA cup, their sole focus is now that 4th place cup.
Fool's Gold
Jack Wilshire
Back in action, all the pundits are saying he’s going straight into the England squad despite not having played for several months. Most likely to get injured again or locked up before the Euro’s even begin. Likely to score lots of points for the Arsenal reserves (these do not count to your overall score – do not put this boy in your team). Emmanuel Aderbayscorenogoals
Likely to score negative points this week. Do not put him in your team, but stick a few quid on it happening at the bookies.
