This new Premier League season is already looking fresh to death. We've got Jose back as a Red Devil, a cheeky bit o' Pep in the Sky Blues' step and a little Conte action under the Stamford Bridge. And that's just the managers. All these Caesars are gonna need some minions to do their bidding and we've already seen dat dolla flowing out and the twinkle-toed haircuts that are modern elite footballers galavanting in.
Zlat rocking the top bun + highlights + Insta pout combo. Flawless.
The Prem is going balls to the wall slaves to capitalism and for Fantasy purposes this is as exciting as it is bewildering. Once #FPL goes live, Fantasy Managers will have a plethora of options at their fingertips but never has so much sweet sweet candy been laid on one plate. Getting it right when it comes to the Prem newbies is always crucial to Fantasy success - think Depay v.s. Firmino and Payet last year - but even more so with this year's epic influx of luxury man toys.
Need some pointers? Well what a coincidence. 'Cause if you shunt your eyeballs incrementally down the page, focusing on the words that came out of my fingers, shot through the interwebs and came out right where your face is pointing, and then you plug those words directly into your brain box, you'll have all sorts of new knowings with which to make the Fantasy team of which dreams are made. (It's a preview of all the notable transfers in so far from outside the Premier League. You're welcome.)
Zlatan Ibrahimovic -- Man Utd
I had to start with Zlatan because Zlatan. The first thing to say, after Zlatan of course, is that Zlatan's knack for winning the league is uncannily Zlatan.
SSN's graphic shows quite how boss Golden Boy is
That said, he'll be sure to command a hefty price in Fantasy and even though United are shaping up to be a real force this season, I'm reluctant to select him off the bat.
It's always hard to build a winning Fantasy team without Ageuro and it may be impossible to put together a feasible lineup in 2016/17 with both of these superstars, so going for the proven dynamo in the Prem is a no-brainer. It's also worth considering that Zlat's been kicking it in the Mickey Mouse Ligue Un which PSG won by going 25 points clear in March.
Even in his twilight years Ibra is sure to make defences pay and his pedigree and ego demand selection so you'll see him in plenty of lineups but it's rare that the premium strikers pay off. Over the years only Aguerooooal and CR7 have actually provided good value for their astronomical price tags.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan -- Man Utd
As excited shrieks that Mourinho had caught a Mkhitaryan resonated around Manchester, the Old Trafford press team were quick to dispel rumours that United's head honcho had either contracted a pernicious malady or trapped another rare Pokemon without first asking Glazers' permission. This lad might sound like a Pikachu with a respiratory lung disease but he could be a breath of fresh air for a United side in desperate need of midfield inspiration.
With 32 assists for Dortmund last season, Mk don blew Ozil (19) out of the water as the most prolifically helpful midfielder in Europe. Add to that his tally of 23 goals and it's easy to see why he was voted Bundesliga Player of the Season. Jose's been waxing lyrical about him since he joined and he put in a stellar display in his debut against Wigan on Saturday.
I'm backing Rik to make a big impact this season. He is not Depay 2.0 and may even be helped by Memphis if the Dutchman can finally turn his talent into production this year. This could even be the year that breaks the curse of United midfielders in Fantasy... Rumpelstilstkin.
Eric Bailly -- Manchester United
Also a strong performer in the pre-season win over Wigan, the new £30m centre-back should be nailed on to start. He might command a hefty Fantasy price tag, but could be a terrific gamble if Mourinho's United back line is half as stingy as the Chelsea defence under Mourinho. Luke Shaw's back in the mix and there's still time to strengthen. Go on. Stick him in. Fortune favours the brave - most of the time anyway.
Michy Batshuayi - Chelsea
One of the biggest moves of the window sees the unpronounceable Marseille forward join Conte in South West London for £33m. As Comte's first marquee signing, you can expect to see a lot of this fella and a linque Belgique with Hazard would appear to be on the cards.
We'll have to wait and see whether the ever-pricy Costa will lose playing time to Batshitcrazy or whether they will both be accommodated but with, no European football to distract Chelsea this year, a mid-priced star in the making like this could be Bantasy gold dust.
Then again, he'll have to improve markedly to reproduce his 17 goals and 9 assists in Ligue 1 which is, need I remind you, child's play. It's also worth bearing in mind that Chelski only barely made the top half last season, and if their playing style under Comte is half as soporific as Italy's 3-5-2 at Euro 2016 there'll be few Fantasy relevant players on their squad by the end of the season.
Vincent Janssen -- Tottenham Hotspur
Jan the man is a bit of a surprise package - he was slumming it in the second tier of Dutch football just over a year ago but now at just 22 he is the top scorer in the Eredivisie and could be crucial to Tottenham's renewed title challenge in the most exciting Premier League season yet.
There was a lot of talk of how overly reliant Spurs were on Kane last year but in reality he stayed fit, clinched the Golden Boot and his form never really faded (until he pulled on an England shirt at least). Nevertheless, Janssen is a star in the making. It wasn't just the volume of goals he scored but the quality that struck Tottenham's scouts. He is immensely versatile and seemingly has a finish for every situation. He'll probably come in a fair wodge cheaper than the established Hurrkiane so Vince could be a steal if, as expected, he slots seamlessly into a Pochettino attack which had the most shots (658) and the best shot accuracy (52.7%) of any team in 2015/16.
Spurs caught them some Vincent. Here's hoping it's super effective.
Granit Xhaka
Gooners were expecting a tantalising preview of Chakka at the Euros but Switzerland failed to inspire and Granite produced the square route of fuck nothing in the process. He only scored three goals and registered one assist for Gladbach in the Bundesliga and, whilst fluid, is likely to be employed in a deep playmaker role if not in the pivot. Ozil will probably be your boy for Fantasy purposes then.
NB: Since Arsenal spread the goals around, Xhaka is a prime candidate for an early fool's gold. He could pop up with a few tasty results early doors and the short-sighted will flock to bring him in. Really you want to get away and stay away from a player so destined for Makaleleness.
Ahmed Musa -- Leicester City
The Champions have a new striker and boy is he diddly. At just 5"7, the Foxes are hoping the Nigerian's pace will make up for his lack of physical presence. Hey - it worked for Vardy and Mahrez. But CSKA Moscow isn't exactly the best apprenticeship for the BPL, and his 17 goals in all competitions is the stuff mediocrity is made of.
Whether Leicester will come anywhere near replicating last season's form is anyone's guess but they weren't exactly goal machines even in their pomp. Vardy aside, it's worth passing on Foxes until we have a better idea of quite how flukey last year's fluke really was.
Nolito -- Manchester City
Nolito's like Madonna. He's mononymous; older than you'd expect; and destined for disappointment. His 12 league goals last season are uninspiring and City spent a meagre £14m on him. Granted he was starting for Spain recently but so was Fernando Torres. Nolito (Spanish for No Tekkers) probably won't even make the City bench. OK that's all very harsh but most of it's true and some of it's funny.
Gundogan also deserves a mention but only to say he's a defensive mid who scored once last season. They can both bore off and take Madonna with them.
Joel Matip -- Liverpool
"Who the Zlat is that?" I hear you ask. Matip's signing has flown under the radar slightly but, if reasonably priced, he could be an astute purchase for Fantasy Managers. If, as expected, he can shake off a minor knock, he should start the new season at centre-back with Kolo Toure on Yolo tour (Ey!) and Mamadou Sakho recovering from an achilles injury (ouch face).
Loris Karius -- Liverpool
The new Mignolet is... the new Mignolet. I smell a tussle to see who can play between the sticks for an weak defence. And it smells putrid. Avoid like the smelly plague.
Pierre-Emile Højbjerg -- Southampton
The Saints have seen fit to fork out £12.8m on this Bayern starlet so he could well be decent but he looks to be a replacement for Wanyama, who has moved to Spurs for a similar amount of Sterling. With only one assists last season and no goals, this kid's not Fantasy ready but if very cheap he could be a decent squad makeweight.
Steve Mandanda -- Crystal Palace
Steve's a top bloke and a top stopper. If favourably priced, he could be a handy rotation keeper liable to pick you up a few cheeky bonus points.
Other Signings
If you're desperate to scrape the bottom of the bargain basement, Talksport have a handy clickbait article of all the Premier League signings as of 17 Jul.
