As usual, the international break is so effing dull that I've been driven to drink. And I've stumbled upon a libation-inducing jolly-maker in the form of a Fantasy Football Drinking game. The rules are simple: 1. Pick a player who has transferred to a new Premier League team recently. 2. Decide whether you want to: (a) marry them into your team until wildcard do you part; (b) shag their points off this week only in a fit of 3pm kick off passion; or (c) avoid them entirely (usually because they have betrayed you oh so many times before and you just keep taking them back). 3. Drink 4. Reap short-term benefits. So feel free to play and drink (responsibly of course) along as I open my heart, loins and ire up onto the page, in a totally metaphorical way of course.
Marry
Wilfried Bony (7.3) -- Stoke | (TOT)
The Potters have had a lonely hearts ad out for quite some time looking for someone tall, dark and handsome to lead their line. Pierre Crouchë fulfilled the tall requirement no end but faltered a little bit when it came to being handsome... and scoring goals.
After a floppy stint with Man City (I've got man-dems who can sort you some pills for that if you want, Wilf), My Little Bony has landed in the perfect Fantasy environment. Come to think of it, my new fetish might be elite forwards with all round finishing and technical capabilities supported by world-class midfielders like Shaquiri, Arnautovic and Bojan. Phwooar. If you're wondering why I'm not just gonna rip his pants off and go to town, it's because of Stoke's immediate fixture list: TOT (H), CPA (A), WBA (H), MAN (A). Not exactly Netflix and Chill territory.
Bony's not a wham, bam, thank you M'aam but long term he's gonna make you real happy, and your rents will love him. So pick a nice spot, set aside 7.3m Readies for the engagement ring and make him your man. Match made in heaven.
Shag
Christian Bentekkers (7.4) -- Crystal Palace | MID (A)
I've been waiting a long time to shag Bentekkers. The man's liquid football. And now's my chance. Word is he's been laying low in the striker desert wasteland that is Anfield but he snuck in my window with 9 goals in 1,500 minutes last season, which is actually pretty hot.
Now, in greener, more Palatial pastures, it's time for him to recapture the form that made him a sexy-ass (dick) pick at Aston Village. His strike-partner-elect Loïc Remy has returned to Chelski, crocked, making our Tekky Numero Uno up top. What's tastier, with #DatMidfield supporting him he's sure to be en flîquè. Plus he'll be on pens according to Pards and will play against Boro this week, whose defence has not lived up to the standards it set in the Championship. This is it. Sploosh O'clock. Rubber up and enjoy the fun.
Avoid
All Spurs Attacking Midfielders: Eriksen, Lamela, Sissoko, N'koudou, Alli
Poch doubled up on adding to his midfield maestro mixture on Jim White Day by bringing in Georges-Kevin N'koudou and Moussa Sissoko, both of whom he sees as capable of injecting pace and defender-frightening directness. Or, in Mark Lawrenson terms, they are both full of running.
There is no way of knowing who out of the attacking quintet will be supporting Kane, which means at best diminished minutes and at worst picking a backup. Throw other new kid Vincent Janssen into the mix along with Chocolate Moussa Dembele (not racist, funny), and what we have is a most avoid-worthy combo. 1/10. Would not bang.
Pic of the Week
I'm already sick of iPhone jokes but apparently the internet isn't. In the interest of choosing popularity over stubbornness, here you are, you bastards:
