As the USA gears up to inflict apocalypse by election on the lot of us, here in the UK we are much more concerned about which random amateur can bake the best biscuits. In the same fashion, our Fantasy Football is altogether less serious; a light-hearted fluffy madeleine of an affair, compared to America's triple-decker heart-stopper death-by-fudge Sundae, replete with yards per carry averages, RBIs and general overnumerousness.
General Overnumerousness in full uniform
Whilst the yanks fawn over statistical analyses and get lost in a Pacific Ocean of algorithmic masturbation, we should proudly remind ourselves that it is really rather quite deliciously British to take the opportunity to select players purely based on the fact that you once saw them in Wetherspoons, or that they have a punny sounding name. It's also worth remembering that 90% of stats are made up on the spot, and that predictions are Pogbas more often than they are Sons. This week's Bantasy Football preview is hence fiercely patriotic in its commitment to pointing out some top picks whose numbers are unremarkable, but who are set for big things.
Buy Low
Jermain Defoe (7.3) -- Sunderland | ARS (H)
The J Dizzle, as I affectionately call him, has a shocking record against the Gunners and has blanked three gameweeks in a row. He's also a bit old hat, a known quantity and plays for the Blunderland side which has lost three on the trot. If you're reading this and have already decided not to put Dizzle in your tizzle, you've forgotten one real important thizzle: He's a goalscoring machine unlike any other in the Premier Lizzle. Defoe is selfish, trigger-happy and the only real threat in a useless attack. After Arsenal, he faces clean-sheetless-away-from-home Bournemouth, soon-to-be-double-relegated Hull, loose-legged Liverpool and Champions-league-only Leicester. Goals are a-coming.
Also, I once saw him at TGI Friday and he smiled at me.
Marketing genius and full-time Englishman Jermain Defoe is the absolute custard
Sell High
Heung-Min Son (7.7) -- Tottenham | LEI (H)
Don't say I didn't warn you about Son, son. The puns are growing tired and, predictably, he's begun to lose playing time to Tottenham's many attacking options. What's worse, as soon as England hero Kane is back (supposedly for Gameweek 11 v.s. Arsenal), the South Korean is likely out of the starting XI. It's not a racist thing, I'm just sayin'...
Pochettino's attack has also been lacking potency, leading to three draws on the bounce (I'm not counting the Milk Cup because why would I?). Son could give you a decent return this week at home to the Foxes, who may rest key players again ahead of their CL clash next Wednesday, but long term you'll need to replace him so why not put in Restaurant Joe Allen (5.1) right now, save yourself some trouble and make some big juicy British burger points against Swansea at home in the process.
How to choose your Fantasy Team: Extra Caerphilly
Bargain Bucket
Isaac Success (5.8) -- Watford | Hull (H)
This young lad is a star of the future. There's a chance he won't make the lineup against Hull this weekend due to a funky foot but monitor closely - if he's set to start, he's well worth a squirt in Fantasy. His playing time had been steadily increasing until he picked up the knock and was entrusted with 88 minutes against 'Boro after scoring against Bournemouth. The Hornets have come to ball this season: They are tied for third in the goals scored table and could get even more prolific if Ighalo pulls his finger out. If you can bag their most talented player for a snip before anyone else has even heard of him, what does that make you? A farking champion that's what.
