My first attempt at a Bantasy post this season, and fuck me, has this campaign been a disaster. The main indicator I recognise when life isn't going quite as I'd hoped? Red arrows. Over the past 15 weeks these red arrows have been Fantasy-related, but red arrows extend to all walks of life. Let's look at MacCauly Caulkin as an example. Child star, millionare, dating Mila Kunis - life is seriously good. Then, break up (red arrow), junkie (red arrow), compare the meerkat adverts (double red arrow),failed ironic songs about pizza(all the red arrows you got). In all seriousness I respect the guy massively for what he's overcome. But a red arrow is a red arrow - and we write this blog for you readers so you don't have to experience red arrows on a weekly basis.
Arrow colour subject to what's freely available on clip art
Each week this season I have hung my head in shame. After three decent seasons in the top 10k, I may have gotten a bit cocky, thinking I'd cracked the secret FPL formula:
((K+C) - (I * S)) = Mega Points and Winning
K: Kun
C: Captaincy
I: Injury
S: Suspension Well it hasn't been working out for me this year. I've been too embarrassed to even consider posting for our loyal Bantasy Readers as no matter how hard I try, how much research I do, every week I'm getting 22 points - if I'm lucky!
Will Ferrell sees right into my Fantasy soul. Where the fuck is that meatloaf, though?
However, last week I took a few deep breaths, and said to myself in my best Gandalf impression: NO! YOU SHALL NOT PASS / CAPTAIN KUN THIS WEEK. And thank damn for that. Those that followed Bantasy Captain tip last week would have been rewarded with a nice points haul, and for those like me who stuck the armband on Alexis "Look at my sexy quads" Sanchez were gifted with scores into the northern quadresphere - 46 after BPs. I mean, it's Christmas season and all. Blessings all around us. These are standing out to me at the moment: 1. Every other day, Home Alone 1 is on TV - absolute classic; never gets old. 2. Every other other day, Home Alone 2 is on TV - absolute classic; never gets old. 3. Kun is out suspended for 4 games - many of you will have made the smart Bantasy-approved move and ditched him before the Chelsea game last week, getting in Kane and maxing out with scores of 90+ with Alexis, Hurrikane, Bentekkers as well as the Chelsea contingent racking up big scores. Now I for one, even with a score of -1 last week would have found it hard to ditch Kun without this 4 game suspension, so I see it as a blessing in disguise. 4. The fantasy stock market is in overdrive post Kexit (Kun Exit). Hopefully you've made a move for Kane by now - a man on the up. If you've waited this late - give yourself a consolation spank on both cheeks for being off the ball, then you can turn and point the finger of blame at us over at Bantasy Football for not getting this post out sooner. Whatever - haters gonna hate. Just you remember - we're the wet bandits! Or the sticky bandits. Either way, its freaky, sexual, and I don't want anything to do with it. Or maybe I do... ;-) 5. Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
Looking good, fellas...
Captain Marvellous
Alexis "Short Shorts Sexy Quads" Sanchez (11.2) -- Arsenal | STO (H)
A tricky one this week with Kexit and all that.
Alexis is absolutely smashing it for Arsenal as their front man - a stroke of genius from Mr. Wenger? Or just a bit of luck? Either way, Arsenal are grinding out results, getting the lucky decisions that so often haven't gone their way, and look real title contenders as a result.
I know, I know, Cazorla's out and it will all fall apart in a few months, but for now, Alexis is my new Aguero.
Stoke, so often a bogey team for Arsenal gives me the heeby jeebies ever so slightly, coupled with the fact that they've gotten their act together in November after an awful start to the season. But I see one way traffic here. Alexis did the job last week and I have faith he'll do it again this week. With Costa flagged yellow, and the Liverpool strikeforce falling to pieces, to me only Hazard presents a compelling alternative. But despite his excellent form of late, his silky skills so often fail to convert to fantasy points - unlike Sanchez.
Zohan Pug's got your back - three types of conditioner, please
Puntsville, USA
Iheanacho (6.6) -- Man City | LEI (A)
I mean, maybe this isn't even a Puntsville. I reckon he's starting the next 4 games. He's a bargain. The only Puntsvilley thing about this chap is that I've little faith in City at the moment to fire in the goals.
With the likes of Austin, Bentekekekekekekekekers and Defoe in a similar price bracket I'd be more inclined to invest my money over there than In-heanacho. Nonetheless, it's City, its Pep, they score goals. Take a punt, but don't come crying back to me if it backfires. My choice front three at the moment is a combination of Costa, Kane and if you can afford Bentekekekekekekrs or Defore then shove em in or if you prefer 3-5-2 then chuck in Anichebe and bench the fucker. I'd give it another week before considering a punt on Kelechi, although he did do fairly well when Kun was suspended earlier this season.
For those looking for next level Puntsville, why not tinker about with your midfield and see if you can find space for Yaya? The guy is a machine, when he fancies it - though beware African Cup of Nations duty!
Buy Low
Liverpool mids... but which ones?!
All that men up and down the country really want right now is a Liverpool midfielder to which they can loyally attach their Fantasy cart. But how can men get what they want?
What you really want in FPL is players who are either defenders playing up in midfield or midfielders who play upfront - the 'misclassifieds'; the 'out of positions'; the 'Gareth Bale circa 2011'.
Simply put: A glitch in the Matrix. Hence my love for Alexis this week.
Liverpool, therefore, should be a dream come true. Lacking any real faith in the traditional strikers, and with Sturridge perennially snapping in two, we see some strange rotation week in week out where Firmino, Mane, Coutinho (and to some extent Lallana) run around interchanging from strikers to 'false nines' to wingers - I'm not going to pretend I understand any of that shit. But what I do understand is that if these lads stay fit - and that is the crucial bit here - IF THEY STAY FIT - they are fantasy gold.
We know Coutinho's out for a while so avoid.
Mane is currently flagged so I wouldn't rush to bring him in.
Firmino had been flagged but currently looks set to play so might be your best bet.
If you're looking for a cheaper option take a punt on Lallana, who's back from injury - or even Mr Utility Man Interesting Jimmy Milner who is racking up the points from left back, mostly from the pens earned from those cheeky diving aforementioned midfielders.
This lot frustrate me as each time I bring one in he/she goes down with an owie. But if you get lucky, buy low, and pick the right man for Pool's tasty Christmas fixture list...
...Santa Points is coming to your town - Unless you live in Florida, or Texas, because Santa famously hates hot weather, old people and Cowboys.
