2017. Everything is different now. Or it's the same. Or it's about to change a lot... or a little. Well, actually it all depends on whether or not you're planning on using your Wildcard in the near future. Without wishing to make an ass out of u or me, we're gonna assume you want to make hectic changes to your Fantasy squad and hit you with a bunch of wicked strong tips for your lineup. So pluck your eyebrows, shave your legs, and take a walk on the Wildcard.
It's such a perfect day to play your wildcard
El Capitan
HurriKane (10.9) -- Spurs v.s. WBA (H)
They say true stupidity is not learning from your mistakes. Well is that the same 'they' who said lightning couldn't strike twice? If so, they may be on board with this decision - unless they also say lightning CAN strike a third time...
After blanking in back to back home games against Hull and Burnley, many lost faith in Kane. It's understandable, not only were those games a lay-up for Fantasy points but he's blown alternately hot and cold this season - and not in a way you might find sexually appealing.
Surely he can't fuck this one up, though. Spurs are red hot - seven wins on the trot, they just smashed the Chelski lot and Kane's missus has just given birth to a tot.
What better way to welcome little Misss Kane into world than with a worldie hat-trick against West Bum? Many will plump for in-form man Bamidele Alli but he may not play the full 90 after being utilised to rescue Tottenham's FAckup tie mid-week. Weirdly, Kane is the safest captain pick given the fixtures. He should at the very least score a pen and his upside is through the roof.
Buy Low
Matt Phillips (5.7) - West Brom v.s. TOT (A)
With one more assist this season than Sanchez and 9 more than Jesus, Matty P is a solid scoop at 5.7. Being up against the mighty Spurs defence could make you think twice but they're bound to concede at some point in this manic schedule and if they do in the early kick off this weekend, you can bet this lad will be involved. Assuming everything goes to my well-drawn up plans of a 8-2 win for Spurs, with Kane scoring 6, you'll be looking fly by 3pm.
Andre Gray (6.2) -- Burnley v.s. SOT (H)
If your Fantasy Football selections are guided in part by your moral standards, and you also happen to object to unconscionable homophobic tweeting, Gray may not be your guy.
If, however, you can overlook upsettingly retrograde prejudice, you may wish to consider this twatface for your Fantasy team.
He was excellent in the Championship last season and post-ban has managed four goals in seven PL appearances, albeit three came in one game.
So put this wankstain in your team I guess, but do so knowing you may be incurring the wrath of the Fantasy Football Antichrist.
Not funny, but necessary knowledge
Don't Sell
Zlatan Ibrahimovic (11.6) -- Man Utd v.s. LIV (H)
It's astonishing that I have to say this but do not sell Zlatan! Some 35,000 FPLers have already ditched the Swedish dynamo - presumably to crowbar in Aguero at all costs. This is madness.
In a time of heavy rotation and injury risk, Zlat is a constant. He plays every minute and gets you guaranteed goals like some sort of machine... that scores goals.
Yes, the little red square next to his next fixture might be red because he's playing Liverpool but of all the big games which could turn into a Western-style shootout, this is up there.
Ibra's in the best form of any forward by a cuntry mile - 8.8 formtings to Giroud in second's 5.5 formtings. Meanwhile Aguero has a paultry 1.5 formtings and didn't even start last week.
I'm gonna need a whole load of diggity to scrape all those angry Ibra-hating Aguero fluffers off the Twitter ceiling this weekend.
Fool's Gold
Alvaro Negredo (6.4) -- Middlesborough v.s. WAT (A)
'Varo has been very much on my radar as I monitor the health and general bumbliness of my man Semitic Bentekkers - but my interest was abruptly halted by the Tynesiders' £7m signing of the attack destroyer Rudy Gestede.
The ex-villa striker is officially a Fantasy Football points wraith and will, sadly, diminish Negredo's playing time - either by replacing him up top or coming on in the last 20 minutes to win headers in the penalty area but not score them.
Watford were an omnishambles against Spurs so it's an enticing fixture but I'm going to hold fire until I get a sense that Negredo is still the main hombre.
Sadly my other target Llorente might be on his way to warm the bench at Stamford Bridge - so I shall cling desperately to Benteke in the hope that he (a) manages to play against Wham; and (b) doesn't continue to suck balls.
