There could not be less for which to play on the Premier League's final day of the season: Everton have 7th place sewn up and Champions Leicester have finally had to admit that retaining their title is mathematically impossible unless 10 teams above them are each docked between 3 and 53 points. Aren't we lucky, then, that Fantasy Football is here to give us something to holler about? The fact that all but two of the fixtures are dead rubbers cranks up the luck element but also leaves room for exploitation by those in the know - so pay attention, kids. You're about to see something special. Hopefully you've pulled a Chelsea and already definitively crushed your foes, condemning them mercilessly to be your inferior by steaming off into a mathematically unassailable double rainbow, as they rage about how they fucked up their triple captain choice, apoplectic and encased in an impenetrable case of their own emotional making.
Ron Burgundy triple captained Hazard in G37. FHL
For many, though, this is an opportunity to close out their dominance, or the final bastion of hope for an epic come from behind victory.
Turns out searching for "Come from behind victory" threw up a few images that got us into a little pickle
In our last post of the season, we'll try to cover all bases so that, whether you're looking for a home banker or a differential to cause a stir, you get what you've come here for (unless you're here for the memes, in which case good on you).
EL CAPITAN
Alexis Sanchez (11.6) -- Arsenal | Everton
There's only one Arsenal player presently giving fucks and it's Sexy Alexy. His late brace to break Blunderland showed desire and determination of which there has been a dire dearth emanating from the Emirates this season, but it salvaged slim hope of Champions League football next campaign, and was a gameweekchanger for many FPL managers.
It will be hard not to trust him again this week. The Gunners have an uncanny knack for blowing teams away when they finish the season at home: 4-0 against Villa last season; 4-1 against West Brom the year before; 4-0 against Fulham in 2010; 4-1 against Stoke in 2009; and 4-2 against Wigan in 2006.
So unless you're in need of a differential pick (in which case Sturridge or Alli are interesting options), put your bottom dollar on Alexis and watch the mullah roll in.
DESPERATION STATION
Michy Batshuayi (8.4) -- Chelsea | SUN (H)
Premier League winner Much Batshitcrazy is, of course, a rotation risk. The temptation for Conte to give Costa a victory lap at Stamford Bridge might be too much to bear, but they also wouldn't want the FA Cup Final, not to mention his potentially lucrative sale this summer, to be scuppered by injury in an entirely meaningless match.
If logic prevails over romance, Batshuayi will get the start and it could be his opportunity to show that he can do more than just tap-ins, and is a viable contender for a starting berth next season.
Only 1% of FPL owners have him for a reason, but if you're in the chasing pack, it's a risk you might have to take.
THE BANKER
Philippe Coutinho (8.5) -- Liverpool | MID (H)
It's tempting to go for Kane here given his consistency but if the Golden Boot's looking out of reach, he could be rested for Janssen towards the end of the Hull match and Liverpool have a lot more for which to play.
Boro haven't beaten Liverpool at Anfield since Bobby Cout was an itch in his Dad's pants. This should be a walkover and if The Reds can get an early goal to quell the inevitable jitters, it could be an absolute massacre.
With Firmino not fully fit, Pip's the man if you want to play it safe, and is hot off a scorching 19-point performance.
Obviously, though, if you're edging your mini-league by a few points, don't be afraid to be a dick and just put in a key player from your rival's team as an ultimate cockblock - unless you're that one guy who's ahead of me, in which case I would say now is a great time for a 48-point hit.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
Gabriel Jesus (9.0) -- Manchester City | WAT (A)
Chasing points what have already happened in FPL is one of the most dangerous temptations in the game.
That said, it would be madness to ignore goalscoring form like that of Jesus at a crucial point in the season.
From 6 starts he's given us 6 goals - truly miraculous stuff for a first-time-Premmer and one of the best Aguero impressions we've ever seen.
Even better, Aguero's fitness could actually be a help rather than a hindrance now, with Pep opting to pair them up for 90 minutes against West Brom and being rewarded with them both having successful attacking input.
After being battered in three consecutive away games, Watford will be relieved to return to home comforts, but Vicarage Road could be the scene of the side's dismantling if City get into their stride, and if they hit a canter, Brazilian Jesus is sure to be leading the cavalry charge.
Jesus leading your Fantasy Team into GW38 like woah
THE HOUSE OF THE RISING SON
Heung-Min Son (7.4) -- Tottenham | HUL (A)
If I were chattin' about the Player of the Month for April, the most effective goalscoring midfielder in the League and probably your best chance of FPL victory this weekend, you'd be forgiven for thinking I was chattin' o' Bam Bam Dele Alli.
But I am hactually chattin' o' Hueng-Min Son, a phenom attacking threat when he plays (and he has done lots recently). He takes on defenders, gets into the box on the regs and is more clinical than Eriksen, Sanchez, Alli or Oezil:
If you 'ain't seen Squawka's comparison matrix before, give her a tinker
At the time of writing (HT: TOT 2-0 LEI) he has a peachy goal and an assist crafted with guile, poise and tirelessness.
By the end of the game he'll have a hat-trick and he'll be in my Fantasy team. And I 'ain't lion.
Stop cruelty to idiots who think this is real
END OF SEASON REVIEW
Some of y'all are probably wondering, "Does this guy actually know what he's doing or is he a bowwow challenge-style pretender?"
Well the answer to that, I'm pleased to say, is a resounding "Kinda."
This is my team as it stands - top 35,000 (0.77%) in the universe.
Anyway if you did better than that, congratulations on being a jammy prick, or following my advice much better than I did.
Me live at all dem fancy Bantasy Football matches
(SEMI) FINAL THOUGHTS
We love that you read Bantasy Football, and are trying to grow so more people can read us too.
We're having a facelift this summer so look forward to showing off our new look once we've finished tinkering with it like Ranieri. In the meantime, if you like our stuff, please share, tweet and friendface it, and follow us @BantasyFootball. Jennifer Lawrence said she'll dress up like a bear for me if I got 2,000,000 followers so help a brother out. Anyhow, I hope you crushed it this season. Enjoy the final gameweek and have a great summer!
