The long-awaited end to the international break is over.
Teasing us with three Prem games then making us watch England for a week is a bit like sending Floyd Mayweather to Vegas and telling him he's not allowed to punch or fuck anything. Just shouldn't be allowed. Anyway you came here to see Fantasy Football and Funnies and we shan't disappoint. This week we talk Kun, Arsenal's Shade Kaleidoscope and Alexander the Laundrette, and pick out a few Fantasy gems who may have escaped your notice.
EL CAPITAN
Sergio Aguerooooo (11.5) -- Man City | Liverpool (H)
As tempting as it is to captain Lukaku every single week, Stoke away is a notoriously prickly affair.
Sergio is coming up against a defence which conceded 3 to Watford, still hasn't sorted out its flappy keeper problem and just sold a centre-back and replaced him with bupkis.
Don't be fooled by Looperville's clean sheet against Arsenal, who were terrible from top to bottom, even for a Wenger Out side with no drive. Man City will score in this game and if Pep and Jurgen back themselves it could be absolute fireworks.
Lukaku is a dece shout given United have 10 goals from 3 games but Aguero literally always scores against Liverpool at home (5/5) and will start despite being benched for Bournemouth. So go grab those points and thank me later. You got dis.
BUY LOW
Richarlison de Andrade (6.00) -- Watford | SOU (A)
Psssst. I'mma let you in on a little secret but you can't tell nobody, aiiit?
This lad's got bags of potential, is playing in an advanced role for a mid, and has a goal and an assist in his first 200 minutes of PL football... for Watford. Southampton are more vulnerable than usual with Van Dijk injured/playing transfer silly buggers, so this could be the week Richie Rich becomes bandwagon central.
Keep your hands off him in FPL, though. This is my special little differential and I'll be damned if you scroungers will jump on board and jack his price.
Wilfried Bony (6.0) -- Swansea | NEW (H)
He's done it before. He'll do it again. My Little Bony is a menace when unleashed and he gets a favourable second debut for the Swans against a hapless Toon Army whose lack of spending may cut them adrift once again.
With regular football, Bony is good for 15-20 goals a season.
This is a t'riffic signing for player and club. Expect him to unleash hell in the Prime Time game on Sunday.
Do. Not. Mess.
SELL HIGH
Sead Kolasinac (6.0) / Alex Lacazette (10.4) -- Arsenal | BOU (H)
The new brick shithouse enforcer of the Gunners' defence was dropped, along with record signing Lacazette, for the 4-0 drubbing at Anfield. This has led some ~REALLY~ original (I'm being sarcastic) folk on ArseBum TVtube to call for Wenger's head, and one really original (I'm being sincere) commentator to suggest that Arsene must have purposefully thrown the game.
One of the many joys of not being one of these people is that we can simply say, "Don't give a shit". Don't give a shit why they dropped their best defender in a big game. Don't give a shit why they spent £50m on a player who isn't deemed saucy enough for a game at Anfield.
The choice is simple for Fantasy managers with either of these in their team - Both cost a premium and neither are seemingly guaranteed a start. At this early stage of the season, and with so many cheaper options coming to the fore, hanging on to either one would be a woeful allocation of resources, even if they do both stand a decent chance of getting points at home to the both literally and figuratively pointless Bournemouth.
DO NOT SELL
The HurriKane (10.5) -- Tottenham | EVE (A)
[WARNING: Some of the following jokes are too soon and/or may offend you if you are shite at Fantasy Football]
What if I told you I have a wonderful plot of land in central Houston which I'm willing to sell you at just below its ordinary market value, or that I would gladly buy your bitcoins from you at 2012 prices, inclusive of inflation? Incidentally, would you be interested in purchasing a wonderful 5-bed condo in Guam?
Well, if you are inclined to leap at any of these opportunities, perhaps you should consider a career as one of the 124,000 dumbfucks who have sold Kane this week.
Why buy a player who has never scored in August, keep him for all of August, then sell him as soon as September rolls around? Eye roll emoji.
Kane has hit the post a bajillion times in his first 3 games. He had 8 shots against Chelsea (more than he has ever had without scoring), has netted for England and is still Harry Kane. Spurs, despite the reports and the results, are playing good football - both at Wembley and away.
The addition of Llorente is nothing to worry about - Harry is still the main man. Back him to produce in September because everything that has every happened in history points towards just that.
Do NOT Mess With Texas
PIC OF THE WEEK
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