You're not going to believe this but against all conceivable odds and justice I've literally picked the wrong Captain every week but one this season. Lolcakes in my face I suppose - but this is supremely frustrating as if a few more had gone my way, I'd be in the top 7k (or 0.1%).
Not to Jeremy Corbyn the point but this warrants a tad of dissection, and a fair smidge of sympathy, I'd say.
Week 1 - Decide to captain Kane against hapless Newcastle. Spurs win 2-0. Kane misses two sitters. Kane in August is a thing. Meanwhile Lukaku (VC) gets a brace against Wham.
Week 2 - Captain Lukakucakes. Get it right. Smug face. I'm back on track, surely, and as smart as I am handsome.
Week 3 - Nope. False alarm because the hitherto irrepressible Lukaku misses a pen and blanks in a 2-0 cruise of a victory over Leicester, whilst Firmino inexplicably scores, assists and gets a clean sheet against Arsenal, who back in those days were widely considered to be not completely shithouse.
Week 4 - With Lukaku the obvious choice against a porous Stoke team, I slap the armband on him and, predictably at this stage, he fails to outperform Kane against Everton, who bags a brace and 3 BPs. Ugh.
Week 5 - It's beginning to get sillybuggers now because Kane, hot off his 2 goals at Goodison Park, decides to produce sweet FA at home to Swansea, whilst Lukaku scores and assists against Everton, who at this point are starting to query whether their Manager truly is legendary defender Ronald Koeman. FFS.
Week 6 - Lukaku (C) gets a goal against Southampton. Meanwhile Kane (VC) tears apart West Ham for 14 points and new signing Morata bags a hat-trick on a mild Saturday afternoon in Stoke. FML.
Week 7 - Sticking with my guns, I leave Lukaku in charge for what will surely be a drubbing of the worst team in the league Palace at home. Sure enough, 4-0 happens. Great. Except somehow Lukuku registers just one assist, and doesn't even get a BP! Back at the lodge, Haroldo Kaninho gets two away to Huddersfield because of course he does.
Week 8 - Kane's been going off. August is over so surely he should be entrusted now at home to Bournemouth in what will surely be a... oh hold on... what's that? They edged it 1-0 and my latest recruit Jesus went bonkers in City's 7-2 win over Stoke? Yeh, that just makes logical sense at this stage to be honest.
Week 9 - For my finest and final trick, I captained the most in-form player in the league, Jesus, whom Pep promptly benched for the first time all season, bringing him on for 14 minutes and just in time to miss a one-on-one. The next day at Wembley, where Spurs are famously unstoppable, Kane is very much not benched by Poch - he scores twice, gets an assist, and does a little "make it rain" dance around Dejan Lovren after three or four victory laps.
Points lost by these calamitous decisions overall, then stand at a whopping
85, and the moral of the story is I'll be damned if I'm going to advise anyone on how to pick a captain after all of this. I therefore hereby retire the EL CAPITAN section of this post - It will be replaced next week by something much more useful to you and possibly funnier.
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| You gotta know when you're beat, and when it's time to drop trou |
BUY LOW
Mame Diouf (5.5) -- Stoke | WAT (A)
It might have escaped your notice but my main man Mame has netted in three consecutive games, having failed to score all season hitherto. Up next is a Watford team that, whilst challenging ferociously for Champions League football, is conceding almost as many goals as Liverpool in the process.
Diouf is a great budget option going forwards and should sort you out this week if you're in a pinch for starters. He's also a surprisingly adequate baker. Just kidding. Or am I?
SELL HIGH
Alvaro Morata (10.3) -- Chelsea | BOU (A)
Having created no chances but missed two and picked up a yellow card, Alvaro was subbed off in a desperate win against Watford for Meshe Batshitcrazy, who promptly scored a brace and won the game. A minute earlier and it would have been an even more woeful story for Morata managers.
There's no suggestion his place is under threat but diminishing minutes puts him squarely below the Kane/Lukaku/Jesus bracket which his price belies. You're definitely getting Lessrata for your buck, not Mor.
Selling now on the cusp of two away games and matches against United and Liverpool is Sensible Soccer.
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| THE GREATEST FOOTBALL GAME EVER. Now with yellow cards. |
FOOL'S GOLD
Pedro (7.9) -- Chelsea | BOU (H)
I'm bored of writing about how you so obviously shouldn't pick players like Bakoyoko Oh No, and you're probably bored of reading about it, so instead - herewith find my concerns regarding Chelsea's latest attacking threat, little Pedro.
A sublime finish against Watford caught the eye for 26,000 FPL coaches, who've brought him in over the likes of Richarlison (6.3), GroSs (5.8), Zaha (6.7) and possibly Sterling (8.2). This is classic MOTD analysis - a tidy finish it were, but you couldn't a more flash in the pan player than Pedro get.
He's only played about half of Chelsea's available football minutes this season, and once Kante, Drinkwater and Moses are back is even less likely to feature consistently.
Swipe left.
PIC OF THE WEEK
For those still in need of a Halloween Costume:
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| 'R' is for Registered Trademark |
