Whilst we can't all buy a 70" 4K Plasma just for Newcastle v Palace, thanks to the wonders of modern capitalism, which as far as I can see has no discernible downside, we can pretty much all load memes on our smartphones, tablets and/or laptops and laugh on the toilet until our guts fall out. So fire up your data plan, crack open a brew that doesn't taste of anything, and get ready for a fun-fllled fantasy football / Superbowl weekend, culminating in the inevitable crowning of sports' winningest cheaters on Monday morning, then waking up at 7pm todo it all again when Barkley scores two to beat Watford.
ALEXWHY SANCHEZ?
The Manchester Clubs' transfer policy appears to boil down to "why not" nowadays, as perfectly epitomised by the Mahrez farce.
But I've never seen a player so bereft of ideas as Sanchez at Wembley on Wednesday. Every time he got the ball it was like someone had turned him on but inserted pre-drained batteries.
United don't pay half a mil a week for a chump and there's a reason he's paid more in a day than I am in a year but Mourinho doesn't seem to have any idea where to play him, and if the Fellaini farce is anything to go by, he's totally lost the plot... having found it and lost it again.
If you've got 11.7m hanging around to spend on a midfielder, you've probably been doing FPL wrong, and if you're desperate to make it work you're just that - desperate.
Here's some advice: See how it pans out - He may not be worth the money. Don't pin all your hopes to an out-of-position diva. There's no need for extreme solution searching this early in the year.
PRESIDENT OBAMAYANG
Arsenal's saviour couldn't have come at a better time. Sandwiched between a 3-1 drubbing by the worst team in the league, the loss of their best player and an imminent fan protest, the most unpronounceable striker to twist the tongues of North Londoners since Roman Pavlyuchenko must be wondering what he's signed up for (other than a tasty bonus and a better Deliveroo catchment area than you get in North Rhine-Westphalia).
Arsenal's seemingly inexorable decline into mediocrity might just be stemmed by this arrival. PEA is legit. He's quicker than Mexican digestion, with finishing better than Princess Beatrice and hold up abilities that could rival the M25.
Goals are guaranteed and the way the Gunners are playing they're going to need them. 10.5 is a hefty starting tag but if Kane and Aguero are just out of your budget, you can bank on 'B'yang to bring the bacon.
Or, if you want to check my male privilege for adopting a phrase like that (even though it's wonderfully alliterative), check this:
Real talk: I was the one who suggested the gaffe serving £17 cocktails, but still...
SON SET
Son (8.1) has been one of Tottenham's most productive players over the past few seasons, and continues to look dangerous in a potent Spurs attack.
He's bound to lose minutes with the arrival of Luke Moore, though - not to mention the return of Lamela.
Couple this with some thick and fast tricky sticky fixtures coming up and it's worth swapping Son for someone with more guaranteed game time, like... if you can Adam and Eve it.... Theo Walcott (7.2).
PIC OF THE WEEK
Also available for West Brom fans who'd just like to be alone with their thoughts right now
