It strikes me that a blog entry solely about FPL noobs - though useful for the terrific banter - is less useful in terms of actually getting your mits on bags of points. So how about we flag up the early winners; the noobs that need to go straight into your boring, normal fantasy team?
You know: That characterless team of yours that isn’t about testing whether or not Max Meyer is in fact the German Messi or if Issa Diop is the biggest waste of space since they didn’t make Space Jam 2 (Or did they? No one actually knows).
Neither LeBron James nor Bugs Bunny are eligible fantasy football players. You're learning.
Real deal:
Aleksandar Mitrovic (£6.5) - Fulham fr. Newcastle (via Fulham)
If you’re not a fan of murdery-looking Serbians then click away now cos’ this blog may be in danger of turning into the Mitrovic fan club and @programmaticlad is Founder and President. Mitro - that’s Александар Митровић to his mates - currently tops the Forwards points table along with Aguero. Given I captained him this week, that meant 32 points for yours truly. Granted that was about 90% of my total points, but that’s besides the points. “Look” *points.
Richarlison; all he wanted was a kiss.
Oh what? You need stats to backup this Serbian wet dream? Well, мој пријатељ, (what? You don’t speak Serbian?), here some numbers an' tin' for you to dwell on.
A few weeks ago I said, “he WILL score two goals in the next 3 games but it won’t be against Tottenham.” So I was right AND wrong, in so far as he’s scored 3 in those two games (uuuhhhh that’s what I meant to say) and that included a goal against Spurs.
If being top of the league with Aguero wasn’t enough, Mitro has scored 15 goalios since he joined Fulham on loan back in Jan. You know the only other person to have scored that many? Mo. Fucking. Salah. Yeah. Truth or dare? Always truth, obvs. That’s real life.
Newcastle sold Mitro to Fulham. Newcastle have scored 1 goal this PL season. Mitro has scored 3. Vis-a-vis he is literally 3 times better than 11 whole professional football-playing humans.
Maffs
Mitrovic has the 3rd most attempts on goal so far this season (after Aguero and Salah) and has had 7 on target, which is more than literally anybody. Say “who top of the league”? Mitrovic top of the league. If you're getting more on target than anybody else, you're gonna score more than anyone else.
Also maffs.
He didn’t start in the Crapabou cup, presumably because Jokanovic knows he’s gonna be instrumental in wining the league for Fulham this season. And at least this season they won’t be distracted by the Champions League so he’s fresh daisies and ready to pull... in the FPL points.
Fulham have Brighton, Man City, Watford, Everton and Arsenal in the next 5 games. Given Watford are the highest-placed team of those and that Brighton, Arsenal and Everton have conspired to concede 16 goals between them in the opening 3 games, I smell more goals Mitro's way. Mmmmmm, delicious goals. You're imagining Homer Simpson, aren't you? So predictable. Like Mitrovic goals.
Alisson Becker (£5.5) - Liverpool fr. AS Roma
You may have seen a few videos of Alisson this week. One of them is most definitely NSFW and is arguably #fakenews - I can’t comment. All I can say is: gwappa. Cheeky dinks are all well and good (big fan) but the real value from Alisson so far has been 3 clean sheets. That’s 19 points in 3 games with a 7, 6, 6. Short of saving pens or getting bonus points for cheeky dinks (which you don't - shame emoji), there’s not much more you can ask of your 'keeper.
I don’t know when Liverpool learnt to defend but they’ve been strong against sides that although aren’t ‘big clubs’ ARE clubs that have 1) all scored this season 2) looked more dangerous than most of their results would suggest 3) given Utd a gentle spanking (thanks for the memories, Brighton)
Other noobs who have impressed:
Joao Moutinho (£5.4) - Wolves fr. Monaco
Moutinho must be the only thing from Monaco that 1) is cheap; and 2) spends time in Wolverhampton. But fair play to him - he was FANTASTIC against Man City. He was playing alongside Neves like they were twins, separated at birth, destined to come together years later to make Alan Shearer more excited than he’s ever been before. Every week it's someone else's turn to excite Alan Shearer - like when it's your turn in goal in 5-a-side. Or are you one of those twats that never goes in goal and when they do it's for, like, 2 minutes and then you swap out again? You know who you are. Or maybe you don't because you're such a liar you lie to yourself. Sort it out.
“Whose turn is it to excite Alan Shearer?”
Ricardo Pereira (£5.1) - Leicester fr. Porto
Pereira is delicious on the basis of the fact he’s an attacking defender - practically not a defender at all. He’s already got 2 assists and 3 bonus points to his name and he’s actually often been one of the furthest players forward when counter-attacking. I’m also SUPER keen on players who like to spank in shots following clearances out of the box and that’s what he does. If you’re bored of reading this article and like moving pictures and shiny things, take a look at a video of highlights from his first two games that LCFC kindly put together and launched into the internerd via Twitter. Don't even bother coming back, to be honest. There's only... like... one shiny thing below.
So there you have it: 4 solid noobs for your boring, dull, normal fantasy teams. Push out Vardy or Salah or someone and squeeze one in.
