I have seriously saggy noobs - but I needn’t have.
If only I’d make the right decisions my noobs would be pert and pointing in the right direction.
In Week 1 ‘Total Noobs’ turned out a pitiful yield of 28 points, despite the fact that on paper, they were absolute world beaters. Shame Fantasy Football's not played on paper but sticky cracked iPhone screens, I s'pose.
To be fair, the old adage that new signings don’t start turned out to be a fib of considerable proportions. Out of my squad, I had 2 that didn’t play and only two that didn’t start. Away from my expertly selected (yet tragically unlucky) team selection, W1 of the 18/19 fantasy football season has clearly shown that new signings can mean beaucoup de pointes. Assuming - that is - you pick the right new signings to plug the massive hole where your happiness Mo Salah should be.
Fact Bomb
I realised after my last guest bantasy blog, that, should one be inclined (and indeed if the FPL rules allowed), it would actually be possible to get a whole fantasy squad of noobs just from Brighton’s summer signings and you’d even have some spares lying around in case you needed to make a transfer. Lookit:
Anyone fancy becoming a Premier League footballer? We’re off to Brighton.
Anyhow, the only one to get a starting place in the Brighton team was Bernardo, presumably because Chris Hughton, like me, also thinks Brazilians are lovely exotic. What he failed to spot though was that Bernardo doesn’t just have the one name - in fact he has 5. Multiple names does not a good Brazilian footballer make. Super obvs. Perhaps Hughton should have taken a leaf out of ProgrammaticLad’s book and considered fielding a team entirely of box-fresh buys. Mmmmm, new car smell before the wotsit smell takes hold. (For mobile users only, perhaps, if it works)
So Brighton seemed keen to prove that old idiom true - don’t pick the new guys. But there were some gems out there. Let’s take a Lucy Liu.
Shiny New Shinies:
Naby Keita (£7.5) - Liverpool fr. RB Leipzig - 3 points W1
Commentators actually real-life ran out of superlatives to describe him, as well as being called “Liverpool’s Iniesta” and the “real deal” in publications considerably less original than BantasyFootball. But whilst the real Iniesta was scoring his first goal in the J-League with this PROPER NAUGHTY turn, Keita was busily scoring not many points for his FF overlords. No worries though; he created opportunities and it’s only a matter of time before he and Mo Salah’s cycles sync and fantasy perfection is conceived.
Jorginho (£5.1) - Chelsea fr. Napoli - 9 points W1
1) he started 2) he took and scored a penalty 3) he costs £5.1. I’ve had Domino's orders that cost more. And you buy lots of Domino's so why would you not buy Jorginho? That’s called logic. Logic bomb. Boom.
Kepa Arrizabalaga (£5.5) - Chelsea fr. Athletic Bilbao - 6 points W1
Kepa - defiinely a keepa. Sees what i did there? Clean sheet in his opening game. Granted he has Arsenal coming up in W2 but he looked a safe pair of hands.
This guy. I always had something for Southampton defenders (apart from last season). He may not have scored but he kept a clean sheet, (and yeah that was a lot to do with his defence... and the Jigglypuff opposition) but jump on the bandwagon and bang this noob in your team (not like that).
Ooooh, he looked well lively whilst forcing 3 full-stretch saves in the first half against Crystal Palace. He WILL score two goals in the next 3 games but it won’t be against Tottenham this weekend. Maybe. Dunno.
Worth window shopping:
Fred (£6.0) - Man Utd. fr. Shakhtar Donetsk - 2 points W1
It's pronounced Fleeeejjjje, which is important. Fledge had a great game especially when counterattacking - and from a ‘real football’ point of view he was a valuable chap to have on the pitch. Problemo is, no one gives a shit about ‘real football’ - that’s why ee'ryone who's aaaan'one calls it ‘fantasy football’. He was sat in a deep position for much of the game and that means assists of assists. And that ain’t gonna wash FF-wise. So now watch him score a hat-trick against Brighton this weekend and be worth his FPL weight in gold within a week.
Xherdan Shaqiri (£7.5) - Liverpool fr. Stoke City - 1 point W1
Boy’s Hips Don’t Lie - man a magician. BUT is he going to start? Me Anamore - I hope so but I don’t think so.
Danny Ings (£5.5) - Southampton fr. Liverpool - 1 point W1
This guy is going to start next game! You know how I know? I don’t, but Mark Hughes would be stupid not to put Ings in, innit. Plus every whim that you ever had as a fantasy football manager was always echoed by the managers themselves, right?
Max Meyer (£6.0) - Crystal Palace fr. Shalke - 1 point W1
...whom you may remember from last week’s blog has been lazily described as the “German Messi”. I guess Palace are too good for my Messi and decided not play him. But he’s still the German Messi. Apparently. So let’s see.
This guy thinks he's the german Messi. What a disgusting fraudulent imposter.
Getting rid:
Stephan Lichtsteiner (£5.0) - Arsenal fr. Juventus - 1 point W1
This chap actually played a fairly advanced role on the wing but he was frightfully ungentlemanly (read, agro-twat) and one day soon he’s going to see red... then double yellow. And that means minus points. And i’m so not about that. I think he’s trying to be the new Mario Balotelli. But mainly he’s ungentlemanly and I don’t want to condone that sort of behaviour so he’s out my team. Anyway, he has to play Chelsea away in W2 sooooo…
(For mobile users only, perhaps, if it works)
