It has dawned on me that not all people who play Fantasy Football are Fantasy Football experts. Maybe it's the 18.8% ownership of Kante, maybe it's how many people left two chips to be played in the last week of last season, or maybe it's just that funny fuzzy feeling I get whenever someone actually heeds my vodka-laden advice and it pays off. In any event it seemed to me a swell idea to give you, the actual real-life people, the perspective of a man who is not only demonstrably funny, but also definitively NOT a fantasy football expert. Please, therefore, enjoy...
What a lovely pair of Noobs!
A Fantasy Football experiment by @ProgrammaticLad
Before Fantasy Football kick off, two things are certain:
Firstly, there’ll be some bellend telling you how they already knew that obscure Danish left-back who’s just signed for Burnley. No you didn’t you twat, you looked him up on wikipedia like everybody else and you can’t pronounce his name either.
Secondly, you’ll read a Fantasy Football blog somewhere telling you the old adage, “Don’t put new signings into your fantasy team - they’re an unknown entity”.
Well I’ve never played by anyone’s rules but my own...sometimes not even my own. So I’m here to pick a mouthwatering lineup plucked solely from new signings, that’ll put paid to that cliche. I’ll keep you updated on the team’s points and the transfers I make throughout the season. “How can he be so brazen”, I hear you cry?! “How does he just tear up years of conventional wisdom?” “Is he some sort of Fantasy soothsayer?”
No I am not. I am shit at fantasy football. But just like everyone else, I tirelessly spend my Friday morning in the office, meticulously putting together my squad. And when I look down at my lineup of ill-conceived differentiators (new word), I think “yep - I’ve nailed that”, before watching my team yield me 23 points for the week and my captain playing just 3 minutes of stoppage time for the 2 points.
So let’s look at these signeroonings who’ll make it into this noob's team of noobs this season. I’ll undoubtedly make transfers (only new signings allowed) when none of the players even start. Admittedly most of the below have made it into the team based on a lack of real research by me into the alternatives. But sometimes I squat down with my knees tucked under my chin and slowly lean forward - that’s just how I roll. ;-)
I’m playing 3-5-2, cos everyone in their right mind does. Unless it’s one of those weeks where I have defenders sub in that happen to get me loads of points in a 5-3-2, in which case I’ll be pretending I started them cos’ I predicted all those clean sheets for lower-table clubs. Obvs. And don’t pretend you don’t do that too. Liar.
I can truly, honestly, say that I am this Barbecutioner and I deserve that parking spot
Goalkeeper:
Kepa Arrizabalaga (£Unknown - box-fresh at time of writing) - Chelsea /formerly. Athletic Bilbao
You’ve never heard of him before and you can’t pronounce his name, so that’s a good start. Is he any good? I’m assuming so because Chelsea just spanked record-breaking dollar on him. And I assume he’ll start cos Courtois ain’t hanging about at Stamford Bridge because he wants to move to Madrid “for family reasons”.
Or pick this guy - 5.5m, can see underwater, doesn't need gloves
Defence:
Stephan Lichtsteiner (£5.0) - Arsenal fr. Juventus
His nickname’s Forest Gump because he runs around a lot, which is good in my book. From everything I’ve read about him he’s going to pick up cards on account of him being a bit of an agrotwat, which makes him a liability but I don’t have the sort of time required to do real research and find a suitable alternative. He’s at a ‘big club’ so hopefully won’t be too leaky across the rest of the defence. Equals fantasy pointage with Hollwood reference bonus. Win win.
Lucas Digne (£5.0) - Everton fr. Barcelona
I know very little about football, but I do know that Barcelona is mes que un club. Mes que ...say...I dunno...Everton [Dunno emoji]. £18M isn’t an insignificant amount for a club like them, so I assume he’ll play. Presumably start. And he can’t be THAT shit because he was at Barcelona. Claro que si?
Goal-scoring defender. Big chap, scores from set-pieces. Southampton have a nice starting fixture at home against Burnley. I seem to remember a few seasons ago it was good to have Southampton defenders so in my mind this is a good pick. And you can’t argue with that sort of scientific reasoning. It's so science, it's practically art.
Midfield:
Where do we even start? We are knee-deep in sexy midfielders and some of them you don’t even need to pretend to have heard of. Cos’ you already actually real-life know them! I know, right? Wonders never cease.
Xherdan Shaqiri (£7.5) - Liverpool fr. Stoke City
Shaqiri’s preseason form has Liverpool supporters absolutely frothing at the Kop. We know this guy; fast, skillful and in his time in a Liverpool shirt has executed this absolutely filthy assist and this NSFW overhead kick against Utd in Muuurrica. I’m hoping he starts cos’ he’s in my Noobs team, straight off the bat. Yes, cricket reference in Bantasy blog - it had to happen eventually.
Jean Michael Seri (£5.5) - Fulham fr. OGC Nice
Fulham have had an absolutely shocking pre-season, despite a number of high-profile signings. Nevermind, though because I think they’re going to win the league this season and score muchos goles, driven by an exciting midfield which will contain Schurlle (yes, that one you know) and Sessegnon (no, not that one, the other one), so I think there’s value in having Seri in my noobs team. Seri averaged 91.8 passes per 90 minutes in Ligue 1 last season, bettered only by Marco Verratti and Thiago Motta of PSG. And I know that because I have an advanced knowledge of all European Leagues and definitely not because I read it, then copy/pasted it straight off the Sky Sports website.
Sky Sauces predict big things for Fulham this season
Fred (£6.0) - Man Utd. fr. Shakhtar Donetsk
Fuck knows if he’ll start but he’s likely to start more games in the season than Riyah Mahrez across the City who’s also a new signing that could be a part of this noobs team. Poor Mahrez though will be competing for a place against Sterling, Silva and Leeeeeeroooooooooy Sane. Sane may not be good enough for ze Germans, but he’s good enough to make me not pin my noob team hopes on Mahrez. Fred has just one name (always a good sign) and by all accounts will be a nice creative addition to a midfield that could bring assists to players around him, particularly Pogba. Or something. Dunno. Did i mention he has just the one name? Liquid.
Felipe Anderson (£7.0) - West Ham fr. Lazio
You could create a noob team pretty much just from West Ham’s new talent, but Anderson is the man who keeps coming up. He’ll end up costing a club-record-fee of 35/40m squid, so he’ll definitely start, no worries there. He’s only 25, scored plenty of goals in various competitions and for various teams - Brazil’s Olympic squad, Santos and most recently Lazio. He’s an attacking player. He apparently had a bit of a quiet season last year, but I’m putting that down to the fact he was distracted by having one eye on playing for "a club with a lot of tradition” and “...lots of great players...like Bobby Moore, Carlos Tevez and Di Canio." Can't believe he forgot Andy Carroll. Embarrassment.
Yeh, this fully happened.
Max Meyer (£6.0) - Crystal Palace fr. Shalke
Everyone’s the “insert nationality + Messi”, but apparently this guy is ACTUALLY the German Messi - who’d have thunk it? He’ll definitely start because 1) he’s the German Messi and 2) Crystal Palace have lost all their other players (Cabaye, Loftus-Cheek, Sako, etc) so he might actually end up being the only player on the pitch. Definite starter right there. Why he was a free-signing when he’s just like Messi - I dunno emoji, but it offers me coverage across a number of teams so I like him. Plus he’s the German Messi.
Up front:
Aleksandar Mitrovic (£6.5) - Fulham fr. Newcastle (via Fulham)
This chap was absolute quality for Fulham whilst on loan for the latter half of last season. He’s a proven entity in the Fulham side and basically got his side promoted. He’s in my noobs team because 1) he’s a proven goalscorer 2) Fulham are going to win the league and 3) where are all the bargain new forwards in this year’s new signings!?! Exactly, not a lot to pick from.
Yoshinori Muto (6.0) - Newcastle United fr. Mainz
He’s an international (admittedly for Japan, for whom he only made one appearance at the World Cup) and given that he’s £0.5M more expensive than Bobby Reid, I’m assuming that he’s better and therefore starts over him. FPL peeps know their shiz right? Safe assumption. Bobby Reid will also be competing for a lone-forward’s position in a Cardiff team that have historically played that way. 1-1 = way less than 1. Quick math.
Filling the gaps: (until they prove big points-earners, in which case their selection was made with clinical and educated prejudice).
Ricardo Pereira (£5) - Leicester City fr. FC Porto
Leicester City dripped 60 goals in a leaky AF defence last season. Only 4 other teams conceded more. So why a Leicester City defender you ask? 1) Cos’ he’s foreign and that excites me; 2) he’s an attacking defender, which as we know is what it’s all about; 3) He’s like a Portuguese Trippier - remember him at the World Cup? Super exciting. So Pereira’s straight in.
Issa Diop (£4.5) - West Ham fr. Toulouse
West Ham conceded the joint-most goals last season so this chap’s warming my bench. Maybe forever.
Bobby Reid (£5.5) - Cardiff City fr. Bristol City
Cardiff and Bristol aren’t names that inspire FPL managers but he’s supposed to be dead good.
Rui Patricio (£4.5) - Wolves fr. Sporting Lisbon
God knows if he’ll start but I need some coverage in goal. He’s a Portugal international so fingers crossed. I can always transfer Alisson instead if Liverpool decide they’re not going to approach every game with the ‘concede 5 goals but score 1 more than the opposition’ school of thought.
So there you have it. There are a lot of restrictions in playing a team exclusively filled with new signings. My defence is probably going to be really shit because none of the best defensive teams from last season have signed any defenders of note. I’m also rather restricted in that a lot of teams just haven’t made that many signings (though I write this on deadline day). Tottenham haven’t signed anyone, meaning i have no coverage there. Man Utd have made one signing and new arrivals at Liverpool and Man City are competing for places against proven players whose names you can actually pronounce. On the plus-side, if this team does well, people will think that I know loads about football and have a keen eye for a differentiatoooor.
My team name will be “Complete Noobs” and I’m going to prove that you can win your mini league with new signings. But probably not. Maybe. Dunno emoji.
